Making sense of this life....sigh....

Senior Year Blog

2012-02-11T18:29:00.000-08:00

yearoftheloser.blogspot.com

This is the official announcement cause I don't think I ever made one.

Am I The Rich Young Ruler?

2011-09-11T10:28:00.001-07:00

The majority of you that read these posts, whoever you are, know the story of the rich young man. But if you don't, here's how it happened. This rich, young guy was like "Hey Jesus, So, I've been good like you said people outta be. I follow all the commandments. What else have I got to do to ensure my Heavenly residency?" and Jesus is like "You want a spot in Heaven, right?" and the guy is like "Yes! I do. What have I gotta do?" and Jesus is like "Sell everything. Sell, your car and your house. Your t.v. and your jewelry, your library of books and all your cloths, just sell everything and give the money to the poor and come follow me. You'll get treasures in Heaven for it in return." Well how do you like them apples? Neither did the rich man. He left sad and put out, because he was very rich.

So after the guy leaves, Jesus is like, "Let me tell you just how it is. It would be easier for a camel to go through the tip of a needle than it would be for that rich guy to get into Heaven." And the disciples are like "What the crap! How's anyone supposed to get to Heaven then?" And Jesus says, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Matt 19: 16-30 if you want to look it up.)

So now that makes me think of my own life. Since the christian walk is more like a run in a deep dark forest with no flashlight up hills and down swampy gullies most of the time, during my long haul up a hill toward the light a few years ago, I gave up a lot of music. I had recently discovered Pearl Jam and Pink Floyd and Grateful Dead and I was enjoying Incubus and Linkin Park and Simon and Garfunkel and the like. I was totally into Panic at the disco!, The Academy is. . ., and Mika. All of that really good music, but really what ended up happening was I decided to become conscious of what they were saying and also conscious of my spiritual life. So I ceased and desisted. The messages were not all that great for a lot of their music and they cussed more than I thought necessary. So I gave them all up. Just like that but man was it hard.

But now, I'm revisiting them. And I like them. A lot. I am the rich young woman that exemplifies the story?

Seriously, you can't find music like that out in the Christian circuit because it just doesn't exist. I'm sorry to offend anyone, but like I read somewhere last night, the christian music you hear on the christian stations on the radio is "happy clappy garbage!" It's pithy and trite. It touches the surface of what it means to live and be a human. Being human means you have to deal with real life and suffer and laugh and cry and hurt and feel overwhelmed and excited and praising God and yelling at God and misunderstanding Him. Like, life is the ebb and flow of emotions that as humans we're all capable of. Why is it that that stuff on the radio is the equivalent to that pop fluff on any other radio stations that the masses drone to.

I can feel Eddie Vedder's pain in his voice and the way his words can sting. Or Linkin Park's regret or anger in the intensity of their music. Or how Queen makes you feel like you're floating in the skies. The way that music wakes you or shakes you. How it can make you think and bruise your heart sometimes. I'm really sick of "Baby tonight, the DJ's got us fallin' in love again. Let's dance dance like it's the last last night of your life." You're not in love you moron! You're just getting hotter because it's 1am and 150 more people just piled into the club and chances are you're intoxicated so you'll tell anyone anything they want to hear to jump their bones. Or my personal favorite, "Can I be your baby father, I see you gettin' down. You're so beautiful. You're so damn beautiful.". . . . . . .*exhale*. . . . . . . Classy. Yes. Because as a respectable woman, that's how I want to be addressed. As "damn beautiful." There has got to be something wrong!

Now don't misunderstand me. There ARE christian artists that I am MUCH in favor of. Switchfoot, Jars of Clay, Matt Maher, Brandon Heath, Sara Groves, and Phil Wickham to name a few. I'm just over those songs that are the everyday blah. We sing those praise songs like they're a chore. Those songs have lost their salt. What made us fervent about "the cause" I feel like is lost in these impersonal settings of the giant church. Like it's forced. I know the church can't help being gigantic. I'm not knocking the people that are trying in earnest to help the masses get plugged into God like they are, but I just feel like that sort of thing can't be forced. Every person has to come to God on their own terms. Just that person and God duking it out.

I don't know. I guess that's what organized religion is all about and shouldn't complain?

A Song And A Move

2011-09-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

First some housekeeping things. (I actually don't really understand why that phrase is used.) Just as a heads up, I have a second blog going for Senior year, so if you're interested go to: Yearoftheloser.blogspot.com and you can read all about my life as a senior in college. I won't be posting here as often as I will there. But if I do post here, I'll add a little reminder at the ends. Anyways. . .

This is a song I wrote I guess on April 16th 2009 as the date says above the song. I wrote it and then tried to add Luke's guitar music to it and saw that it was WAY too wordy, so now it's just a thing.

4.16.09

Anaura Bay

If you want to take me along for the ride, I’ll put down my bow and arrows

If you feel so inclinded Ahhhhhhh’lll be at your service for a time

Oh heart don’t palpitate so, I’ve no where else to go

Love, love leads the way; to you the path is straight

Chorus:

My breath is taken away

The bags drop to my feet

Lead weights land low with them too

Chips knocked off my shoulders

I was stuck in the mud

Then my feet just decided to move

I would follow in your tracks from here to Anaura Bay

Just to be near you

You’d break in the shade but in the sun I (I’d Stay) could stay

Just to be next to you

With my fingers interlaced; And my vision to the skies

I was sure you take my hands; And you’d look into my eyes

Potential Bridge:

Would you believe that I walked in your shadow for a thousand miles

Quite determined all the same, mind your manners they would say

Not the sort of thing a girl with credentials ought to do

Turned and laughed in their faces Mr. Men get a clue

Now the silt is settled at the bottom of lake called my heart

Solace and silence in the spaces of when we were apart

We lie neith the heavens with the bittersweet twinkling of stars

From Gisborne to Auckland, Oh I got here, I’m asleep in your arms

Yeah, that's a knee slapper. . .Not!

2011-07-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

Nadia is a, how do I put it nicely, a flippin' jerk! Her annoying meter spiked tonight when she decided to go on a rant about my abs. Here's a sample of why I want to jab her in the neck:

"Hmm, are those your abs? That's funny, I kind of see the lines. It's like a six pack. Or more like six bumps. They're like little mosquito bites. Like a little ninja turtle! It's like unfair pieces of pie! Who cut those pie slices?!"

While she's pointing and laughing at me, I'm trying to be serious with her. That totally irks me when you can't keep a straight face when the person you're trying to reason with is laughing and making fun of you.

Nadia Bastien: Repeat Offender

Like A Dope

2011-06-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't had an awkward or embarrassing moment in a long while, so today when I made myself look like a dope, I figured I was overdue.

At the agency where I'm doing my practicum, I've met a lot of very nice people. One of which was this pretty good-looking Puerto Rican guy. Probably a couple of years older than me. Seems very friendly and nice and not in the obnoxious way.

So this guy is a case worker which means he is seldom in the office, but he was in today doing paperwork and stuff and I couldn't remember his name, so I decided to go over, be friendly, and ask. So after talking to my supervisor, I walked over to his cubicle and popped my head in through the doorway and to my surprise he wasn't there. Then I heard his voice and I turned around and there he was, about 10 behind me in the copy room that is adjacent to his cubicle. He was talking to someone and the person he was talking to had their back to me so he was facing my direction and saw the whole thing. I just stood there like "Oh shoot" in my head. I kind of waved and mumbled something and then scurried off. AWKWARD!

But the best part is that after dodging him most of the morning, I finally got the guts to go back and say something. He was really nice about it, not to mention he kept smiling so I didn't really hear a lot of what he said. But of course knowing me I can't ever let something end well.

Before my time was up to leave I went back for a second helping of embarrassment. I went to ask him for a hole puncher and he was in the process of leaving, but I didn't know it. So literally conversation went like this:

Me- "Did I just see you with a hole puncher?"
Him-"Yeah. It's my own."
I notice his bag slung over his shoulder so obviously he's heading out for the day.
Me-"Oh ok. Yeah. Oh I just thought that. Ok, Yeah. It's fine. Yeah. Just, you can. . .
Him-". . . . . . . "
Me- "Ok. Yeah, that's fine. You can um. . . I was gonna."
Him-". . . . . . "
Me-"Yeah, I'll just. . ."
I just disappear around the corner. I don't even let him say anything else.

So if you wanted a laugh at my expense please feel free. I've been laughing about it all day.

Nerd of the Year!

2011-06-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

I had a revelation this past week. At my university you're given an identification number at the beginning of your college experience. On that first day when I go my number I saw that it was eerily familiar, but I couldn't remember where I had seen the number before. I tried to recall it over and over again during the first few days, but nothing ever materialized. Fast forward to this past week. Imagine me, sitting in my summer math class which is a delightful 3 hour and 45 minute party. Lie! And my professor mentions pi and it's rough equivalence and then I know. Three years of wondering and I know! My ID number is part of some of the first few digits of pi after the decimal. I won't say which digits, lest I be robbed by a hungry SAU student at the end of the semester, but I am aware that I deserve the Nerd Of The Year award for recognizing that, but I was so stunned when I figured it out. I thought I should share.

Blah Blah Blah. So Much Talk. Where Is My Life Going.

2011-05-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

Isn't it annoying how time loves to fly by when you need it the most? That's exactly how it feels to be living my life. Here I am, two weeks into the summer break of my junior year from college and I am jobless. I know why. It's not the recession. It's not a lack of jobs. It's simpler. More irritating. I am not stationary. I've done it to myself. I've knowingly put myself in a position where I am uprooted every few months. It's been this way for six years. I don't know. I don't care. It aggravates me so much I don't even want to think about it.

It's funny how one moment's upset can make you feel like your whole life is unraveling in front of you. I'm so irate it's stifling! Everything that ever made you brokenhearted, furious, despondent, enraged, they all come forward in your face to bare their teeth at you. To remind you that your fortuitous, Heaven-sent moment of happiness is only temporary. They all prowl in the shadows waiting insatiably for that moment when you trip and then in the blink of an eye, they are upon you. Inevitably they all come at once.

And you know what else?! I'm sick of the pep talks. I'm sick of giving myself a frigging pep talk to "put my life in perspective," when all I really want to do is scream! Throw something! Cry! And just be straight away pissed!

I tell myself how blessed I am. How many opportunities I've had in my life. How lucky I am and my family is for so much that we have and that I've been able to do, but despite all of that, there is so much more I lack. So much more that I want. And because of all those awesome things that I've been fortunate enough to do, I KNOW that there is so much more I want for my life! It's just so arduous when the lifestyle I want seems so unattainable. And that's if I even know what the Hell I want with my life.

God. What do I do?

Climbing Mt. Watatic

2011-05-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

My knees served as all purpose shock absorbers today as I thumped down the Watatic Mountainside. Even with the Sun hidden behind level clouds, I still had a grand ol' time trekking the forest. Of course as soon as I rolled up to trail entrance I had to pee. On my way up, I considered excavating a path off the trail and peeing behind a tree, but knowing my track record, someone would see me and maybe even say something and even for me, I know, I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT GUY. Cause knowing me, I would be that guy. That's just how my story goes.

At the top I just enjoyed myself. My thoughts at the peak:

I've summited Mt. Watatic. All 1.1 miles of it's steep mountainside. I'm sitting at it's peak consuming the cloud covered view with my eyes. The silence lends itself to my thoughts.

Rich is the World around me that I have yet to see. Vast is the space in front of me that my eye sight can scarce see beyond.

My bare skin is a peace offering to the flying insect family that will not retreat on my account. I'm alone. There's a view. There's silence. Had a good hike. God is here. What more could I want in this very moment.

Nothing. In this moment, I have it all.

Was That My Life?!

2011-05-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

Little sister is often depressed and sad and antisocial. I know as a teen, I've been there. But I guess I couldn't remember exactly what's up when you're 16. So I went back in time using my handy dandy journal from when I was 15 to the day I went to college. God, there is a hell of a lot of sad in those pages. A lot of loser moves and embarrassing moments. (Not too far unlike my life now as far as loser moves and embarrassing moments.) And also crushes, and scads of examples of unrequited loves. A lot of its funny and some things were trivial, but some of it kind of made me think, "Wow, do 15-year-olds really feel this way and deal with stuff like this?" I'd completely forgotten. All of it had slipped my mind. It's like I was reading about somebody else's life.

And I know that I can't be the only one that feels like this. Like their past is this little treasure trove of our old dark secrets and hurts and laughs and memories. It's like my life was a sitcom sometimes. I think there should be a journal reading convention where we can all go and dig up all the crap from the past and look back at it and recognize it as a piece of our past. There's lots from that junk drawer of our childhoods that feel like it should be dealt with or something. Or exposed at the very least.

It was just a thought.

Just a thought.

Le Bearded Man!

2011-05-05T23:39:00.000-07:00

Note: This entry has nothing to do with a man or his facial hair. But it's late and the brain will do what it will.

* * *

I struck a bargain with the little sister. I read a book called Flowers in the Attic. (I don't recommend it to the faint of heart.) And I just recently finished it's sequel. And I really wanted her to read the first book. She's not much of a reader so I had to be crafty. I think I was trying to be a little too quick on my toes and I told her that if she read my book, I'd read her book, Twilight. I knew it was a bad idea even before the words were out in the air, but before I could take it back, she agreed.

There was nothing I could've done to break the deal off and produce an alternative. The notion was already planted and deeply imbedded in her mind. My own dang fault. So for the last two days I've committed myself to reading the thing, and to be honest, I don't see what all the commotion was about. I'm still waiting to be dazzled. Wowed or something. I'm halfway through and I'm not yet sitting at the edge of my seat. Sorry, but not so much Stephanie Meyer. It's not boring per se, but I think people have hyped it up a little too much and now I'm left with rather flat afternoons. But I'm going to try to finish it because I'm trying this new thing where I start a book and actually finish it before I move on to the next one. Who knows, it may get better.

In other news! Another awkwardish moment in my life. . . .

So I'm at the store with little sis tonight and we're meandering the premesies. It's Thursday night, things are slow at the house so we're perusing the isles. As we're walking through the toy section I see puzzles. A few weeks ago I worked on a puzzle while in a doctor's office waiting room so my mind was kind of still on puzzles and how much fun they are. I know, I am such a nerd. So I find a 300 piece puzzle and we continue to browse through the store. Finally, with a few things in hand, I'm ready to check out and little sis needs to use the bathroom.

So I'm standing in the front of the store, texting someone, just waiting for her before I check out and I see this well dressed, spiffy looking guy walking by in my peripheral. And I look up slightly and in my head I'm like "ooo, that's a good looking guy. He's pretty hott!" Then I realize that the guy KNOWS ME and is heading right over to me and I allow my eyes to focus and surprise! It's a guy I kind of grew up with. Sort of. From my church. Like we were in Pathfinders together, status. Ahh! And he goes to school with little sis! He's a couple years younger than me and about to graduate from their highschool.

So he walks over to me, gives me a hug, and we chat briefly and then he's gone. And that's when I look at myself and remember that my afro hair is a mess, untouched by a comb in days! My cloths are disheveled cause I just threw anything on before I left the house! AND I'M HOLDING A PUZZLE!

I swear i always look like I just got hit by a bus when I leave the house. I just never feel the need to put in the extra effort when I'm home. I know he didn't notice, but I sure did. But I have to admit, despite the awkwardness I allow myself to formulate in my mind, I still love my awkward life, even if It's only apparent to me.

Le Bearded Man!

JARZ: All Together Happy

2011-04-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

A week or two ago my roommate and I went halfsies when we bought a tamagotchi. Yes a tamagotchi. Those stupid egg shaped creatures from the 90's that you're supposed to nurture and care for into it's virtual adulthood. I spit this with disdain because the stinking thing has died TWICE already. The first demise was after a short 3 DAYS! and we had attended to it's every whim and need. After that, I stopped caring. BUT ANYWAYS, the reason I even bring it up is because on the little tamagotchi game, you do little things for it like playing with it and feeding it etc, and then it's little "happy" and "hungry" hearts fill up, thus a satisfied pet.

Well yesterday, after the Jars of clay concert, all of my happy hearts were exceedingly full! This is how it all happened.. . . . .(I'll try for the shorter, more condensed version.)

I went alone, as you know from my previous griping. And I only felt like a loner twice. At the very beginning and at the end, when it looked like maybe I should be with someone. Whatever, big stinkin' woop, I got over it. So the concert started and there were three opening artists prior to Jarz. Audrey Assad. She sang like an angel. (cliché, but I really don't know how else to describe the effortlessness in the tonality of her voice.) Matt Maher, pronounced Mar. Like "sea" in spanish. His entire head of hair is white, but he's like in his thirties for sure. Complete hipster with his cuffed jeans and hipster boots. Then there was Derek Webb. I think his art went a little over the heads of the rather conservative audience members. His music is abstract and not as straight forward as regular contemporary christian artists so I felt uncomfortable for him. I liked him. His voice is original.

So the show was fully underway with Jars of clay on stage. They had played like 3 songs and as I mentioned before the audience was of a more conservative caliber. I could sense it, and now my inkling that the performers could sense it was confirmed. Dan Haseltine, the lead singer of Jarz stopped before the next song and was like "I know you are in a church and there is a certain decorum one follows when in a church, but you are also at a concert. Therefore, feel free to loosen up. Come up front to the isles, etc." (I paraphrase of course.) But basically he was telling people to enjoy the show they paid for. So I sure did. I went up front and enjoyed myself.

Afterwards, I went to a meet and greet thing they had for VIP ticket holders. (That's right, I went all out.) And when I finally got to shake their hands and talk to them I was like a timid mouse, housed in a little snail shell. I couldn't get my voice practically over 10 decibels. Basically I told them that they were in my top 3 all time faves. I told them to come back to Mass for a concert. (I knew Dan was from MA so I thought to bring it up. That's right, it was all a ploy to engage them in a potentially memorable conversation.) They mentioned how they had just been in Quincy, and he asked me what part I was from and then told me he grew up in a town somewhere near Springfield. Then I said goodbye and went and met Audrey and Matt. Afterwards I was as happy as a picnic in July. Completely and utterly satisfied with my experience. Nothing could get me down. Even today I was still buzzing with last night's excitement.

You know that song, "I can only imagine," that talks about how the guy won't know what to think or say when he gets to Heaven and finally meets Jesus? Well, meeting all of these famous people that I've looked forward to seeing in person MY WHOLE LIFE somehow helps me put meeting Jesus into perspective. For example, if Brittany Spears were to be walking down the street in broad daylight, even though, I am not a Brittany fan, I have no real interest in the woman, I would still probably flip my lid. It's her celebrity that is the point. She's famous and people are stunned when the person on T.V. is right in front of you in the flesh.

It's like we talk about Jesus day and night, and the day I finally meet Him face to face, I may just black out from dumbfoundedness.

Just a thought.

I've Got Confidence in Sunshine!

2011-04-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel really dumb. I must be the biggest loser on the planet to go to a concert alone. I thought I didn't care. I thought my independence would surmount any obstacles of insecurity, but after reviewing the guest list on facebook, I'm convinced that this may not have been one of my brighter ideas. But I couldn't not go! Seeing Jarz has been on my bucket list, of must sees for ages. Jars of Clay has maintained "Top 3" status in my band favorites since 2002.

I just keep thinking about how my loner status is going to spike when I roll into the VIP room or whatever and all the other people are giddy with their friends and me hanging out in a corner scared to talk to the band all by myself. Bah! Scary thoughts my friends, scary thoughts.

I don't know what I'll do. I ought to cling to my motto and convictions. One of which being that "Life is too short to not do the things you want to do." and the fact that "Life is an adventure that is meant to be experienced." So tomorrow, I'm going to go to the concert and own those mantras, recite them confidently, and not practically pee in my pants at the fact that a little dream is coming true.

Besides, it should be fun!

Dog Days

2011-04-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

This kitty is literally how I feel right now.

Today has been pegged a day to be cranky. I'm a bit tired, but mostly I'm just irritated by people, by stuff. I got into it a little with my boss today when I told her I wasn't going to work for her next year because of the uniforms and for other reasons. I'm going to be an RA next year so it's my way out, but I still had to tell her. She tried to justify her reasons and I ended up telling her everything on my mind. (respectfully of course) I was frustrated and annoyed, she got loud, I got loud, but in the end it was really ok.

I'm just kind of being a poop about everything. Today is a day without shoes for Tom's Shoes and I'm not even going to do it. I have shoes to donate and i just don't feel like it. This shlump I'm in is really cramping my academic style. I was dressed like a starving artist yesterday. I listened to the new Fleet Foxes and it just put me in a melancholy-ish mood.

I can't seem to get into the "YOU HAVE TO DO SCHOOL, GOSH DARN IT!!" Mode. A swift kick in the pants is what I need.I'm like a train wreck and the heaping pile of school work sneers at me yet. I figured though, that no matter how much I complain, not matter how much I hate it, or how tired I am and much I want to be out of here, my work will not be completed. Unless I actually do it, it doesn't get done. Stupid me for thinking otherwise.

ce la vie!

http://www.maniacworld.com/strange-sleepy-cat.html

What If We Never Saw Flowers Because We Complained Every Time It Rained.

2011-03-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Is there enough evidence of my relationship with Jesus for me to be convicted? Am I a "Jesus Freak"? or just some Adventist from someone's past. Some vague and wispy memory in someone's mind of who they thought I was. If someone recorded me for 60 minutes, would they know I was a Christian?

I feel like if you have doubts about whether you think you're going to Heaven or not, it's a wake up call that you need to check yourself. Obviously, there is nothing we can do to win Heaven. This isn't the lottery. It's not for sale. Heaven's free. Open to anyone that wants it, but it boggles my mind how celebrities and everyday people do everything they can to stay young and look youthful, but when you tell them about a solution to live forever they don't even want to hear it. They think it's BS. It's like "your Jesus, is SO MUCH MORE FAR FETCHED than my botox and plastic surgery." And you know what? Fine! You don't have to believe me, but at least hear me out!

Part of the reason is probably because some people that claim to be christian don't act like it. I think people respect someone that's an all out "I'm in Love with Jesus, I'm also not all in your face, religious" person than a wishy washy fake, because at least that person believes in something. Being christian isn't meant to be a show. It's meant to be simply put, faith. A relationship with God, is just like a friendship with anyone else. What kind of friend would I be if I only talked to my friends when i needed something from them. Or when they waved to me across campus I ignored them, or didn't didn't answer their text messages and phone calls. We'd never hang out but I could still found the time to ask for favors. No one would want to talk to me. I'd be a pretty sucky friend, eh? You'd be offended, wouldn't you? I think God thinks the way we treat Him is pretty sucky. When God comes through for me, I don't get nearly as excited about it as I should be because "Oh no, someone might think I'm a narrow-minded fanatic if I talk about Jesus to people." You know, people who think like that can suck a sock! When something good happens to you don't you want to tell everyone you know?

People think the Bible is a load of nonsense or that "Jesus is a crutch." (I don't really get that one.) Or that science has proven a ton of stuff that we don't need to use religion for those hard to address questions cause that's just a cop out. And it's like, really? Look around! The world isn't all bad, sure, but it's pretty close. People can be so greedy and corrupt and it's about me, myself, and I. Let me get mine. Violence is rampant and people have become numb to the pain and needs of others in a lot of ways. How many times do we say "Hi, how're you?" but not really care. God forbid, the person actually wants to tell you about how down they feel, or how they just want to kill themselves because they feel so hopeless. God forbid we actually have to listen to someone else's problems during our busy schedules. We're not always like that, but the majority of the time we're rushing here and there to study for our test or get to class. We need more love. Genuine, real, love for people. Do people truly believe, in the core of their existence, this is it. This is just the way humans were meant to be and live always?

I don't know. I'm ranting kind of, but mostly I mean it.

Embracing Melancholy

2011-03-07T19:11:00.000-08:00

Today wasn't horrible, but it wasn't grand. It's the first day back from Spring Break and now I've got to get my act back together. Not that I really had it together to begin with which explains having to get it together now. I have been wanting to press the default button on my life. ie, books, bed, b. . .I don't have another b word. . .

I've been thinking lately about things. Nothing profound, but just things. I won't get into how bleak parts of my future look, but one thing that I can briefly mention right now is how melancholy life seems some days.

Why does everything make sense one day and then not the next? Why can't you go through the same thought process everyday, the same way, thus ensuring sanity, equilibrium, and all that comes with the pair. I suppose that is part of living a dynamic life in many ways, but really, it bothers me. Maybe it's my indecisive nature and the ebb and flow of everyday college life, but I hate the thought of my life being on a cycle or something. Cycles of ruts and happy times, of being a faithful christian and then of sucking at life and having everything figured out and then everything being shattered to pieces again. It's like there is a wave motion outside of ourselves that we have little control over and by gum we have to ride it. We have to ride that wave. There are two kinds of people in life, ones that ride . . . and dead people. There's no, not riding or you're not living and well, life is for living.

To be honest, I'm sick of this roller coaster BS.
And it's only the first day back.

My, my, my, many weeks left have we.

My favorite word right now: Circumlocution. It means a roundabout or indirect way of speaking. (I bought GRE vocabulary study words. They make me thoroughly pleased with the time I commit to studying them. Every word is like eating a piece of candy except it digests in my brain.)

I guess I just love words that much.

A Really Deep Hole

2011-02-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is dig a hole and put yourself in it. . . . .

A really deep hole.

Today, I really put my foot in my mouth at dinner. And not just a few toes. I mean THE WHOLE FOOT! It was the four of us. (My roommate and my two friends.) I don't know how we got on the subject but I say, "Yeah, like the time we made our friend Kevin Delgado try on a pair of skinny jeans." And of course I said his name really loud and then saw out of the corner of my eye a person from a table right behind me, just a few chairs away, turn and look in my direction. Then, to my perfect horror, I realize it is in fact Kevin himself, in the flesh. So I begin to panic. He knew he'd heard his name and he knew me.

So I see him stand up to go. He's sitting with his girlfriend and her sister and they ALL know I've said his name. So I decided to play it off when I see him stand so I say, "Oh hey, Kevin!" Acting as if I've just noticed him. "I was just telling these guys how we made you try on a pair of skinny jeans."

"When was that." he asks flatly. Now I take a moment to think it through. Really think it through, now that I've thoroughly dug myself a trap. And then to my dismay, I realize that I'm not talking about Kevin at all. I'm talking about a different friend from a totally different time.

"Oh, wait. No. It wasn't you after all. It was. . . another Kevin." I say. I feel EXTREMELY DUMB at this point. Like I might as well punch myself in the face for being such a doofus. "Oh wait it was actually my friend Hubert, from our trip to Brazil with choir. . . ." I trail off. I know it's futile. Kevin just looks at me. No smile. No mercy.

So he just walks away. Leaving me in fits of laughter. I laugh, but deep down, I am mortified. There are two kinds of embarrassing moments. The ones where you laugh when they happen and then the one's where you laugh, but you are indeed enduring the embarrassment.

What It Means To Live Another Day

2010-12-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight after a blow out with my sister, I took off for a drive. It was 11:15pm, but I thought to myself, "Screw it, I need to get away." So I did. I let the radio boom and turned the temperature dial down low and drove to nowhere in particular. I spent the next hour and a half burning the last half gallon or so of gasoline that remained in the tank.

On my way home I saw a fox. It was trotting slowly across the street on the back roads of wherever i was. I rolled my windows down trying to get a better look at it and make calls to it. It probably thought I was crazy. You know, if they have that ability. (Animals are smarter than the human race gives them credit for.) I was tempted to get out of my car and try to subdue the animal and pet it, but he kept watch of me from a distance. Plus I should know the possible dangers of this little creature, but I couldn't remember whether or not a fox was capable of ripping off my face and dragging my body to a ditch to feed his family. So I didn't take my chances. It was really cute though. Google foxes and tell me they're not so cute.

Anyways, on my actual drive I wasn't really philosophizing. I was listening to a cd I'd forgotten in the car. But amid the confusion of this life and it's purpose and why things are challenging and troublesome, I remembered a quote I'd heard from the film "The Philosopher Kings." It was the very last line of the film that resonated the most with me. The line was, and I paraphrase "I'm happy to have been given the opportunity to live even though it's painful."

Whenever things are as confusing as right now and full of frustration I think of that one line. That last line that makes living another day in this cluttered life seem worth it.

This is a Dream Sequence

2010-12-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

I just woke up from a nap I started at around 5pm which means I've been snoozing for two and a half hours. I guess that explains this crazy dream I had. I realize that this was most likely a manifestation of my reality, come true in dream form with much influence from media and people that have contributed to my intellectual existence as a person, because everything in my dream I feel was taken from something else that I've seen in reality. Okay, so my dream.

I dreamt that I died. The setting was in front of my church and apparently I fell while buildering. (Look it up.) Random, but I did. And it wasn't even from an exciting height. I was like literally 4 ft off the ground and I fell and then hit my head. Lamesauce! So I die as does this other girl that also died while rock climbing, and even though she fell from about the same height, her fall was worse. She fell on her head directly. The thing was, even though we were dead we could still be seen by people for a while afterwards. We were apparitions or something. So we were walking around urging our friends to believe that we'd died. And of course everyone was in shambles over it. Even us because then we realized we wouldn't be able to say goodbye to our parents. So I tried to write my mother a letter telling her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. As I wrote, I knew that the grim reaper was coming for the harvest. (Gosh, that's cliché of me to say. But that's how I felt.) I think this was "Scoop" coming into play. (The movie.) So then I give the letter to one of my peers in hopes that he'll remember to give it to her. He looked like a tool and ran away from me so I had little faith of it's delivery, but I had no other options. So then I'm in a bathroom in the upstairs of the church. And I see my mom. She's looking for me and because I'm an apparition or something I know she can see me. But I have to hide because there is no way she could accept that I've died. (It was pretty sad for me.)

Next segment of my dream was myself and a group of dead people we're floating away from my church. I guess the reaper bagged me. So we're floating and this girl tells me that we were floating in the real world, but that the world is fading quickly. I didn't really know what that meant. No doubt an excerpt from "The Lovely Bones." I wasn't sure if that meant that the condition of men on the planet was fading, which I kind of knew, or if it was that we were fading from the planet and that we'd no longer be visible apparitions. So I gave up trying to understand.

So then as we leave the real world, this floating 'angel.' I'm assuming that's what she was. Came up to us and offered us these envelopes. She tells us to open them. So we do and there are a pair of gloves in them. So we all three say "thank you" and she I guess checks us off of her list for saying thank you and being polite. I believe that goes back to the whole Naughty/Nice thing of the Christmas season even though I thought the whole floating in the abyss thing was like the road to 'heaven' or something like it. So then we're at some guys house and there's a barking chiwahwah that the 'angel' zaps with her wand to shut the thing up. It's okay.......it was ugly. (I mean no offense my chiwahwah loving companions.) And then I woke up. I looked at my watch, saw the time, and then flicked the lights on in my pitch black room and scribbled some little notes about my dream. I felt the need to document it especially while it was still vividly searing my mind. That never happens so I took advantage.

I think this dream was also a reflection of what I've been putting in my mind lately. I've been listening to Sufjan Stevens' song about the Zombies and the night of the living dead, and also I just saw Tron which was reminiscent of The Bible and the fall of Satan. I don't know. I'm not sure how that played into my dreams, but I'm willing to take the leap to make a connection.

My Embarrassing Life

2010-12-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

This act of embarrassment happened behind closed doors, which is my only consolation. That's right. No one saw, but the act in itself was enough to make me still feel embarrassed.

Anyways....Yesterday I was in my room getting pumped up to go rock climbing. I was dancing around the room in my sports bra and spandex to some pop song. (Guilty pleasure) And I started thinking about how I needed more upper body strength if I wanted to progress as a climber. So I walked over to the towel bar next to my sink that is faceted to the wall just above my afro head and proceeded to attempt chin ups. Barely half way in the air and the bar bends and breaks under my weight, my knuckles bang against the wall, and my hand towels and wash cloth fall to the floor. So then I'm like "CRAP! I need to fix this!" Trying to fit the bar bar into it's socket was futile after many attempts. I swear that that thing is made of like STEEL! I need to call maintenance to fix it, but I don't want them to ask me how I bent the thing. Telling some guy I barely know that I broke my towel bar while trying to do pulls ups in my bedroom? Not so cute.

For more embarrassing moments, stay tuned into my life.

Sufjan Stevens

2010-11-15T22:47:00.000-08:00

Music is, has been, and always will be a huge part of my life. Unless I go deaf......which would stink.

There is something about the way music pumps my blood faster, encrypts melodies into my brain, and pulsates from the ends of my finger tips to my very core. It's amazing!

I go through kind of a cycle most times with music. I hear and artist. I look into it. I listen to said artist and allow the euphoria to envelope me. Then, so I don't get sick of it (which I have done in the past due to constantly repeating the same song over and over), I cut myself off from it for a while, while the songs are still fresh, still impressive, and still my favorites.

Right now, it's Sufjan Stevens. Kind of like the two coats of blue nail polish I endorsed last week, on a whim I bought the "Come on and Feel the Illinoise" Album. I love it whilst I'm confused by it whilst it's art. It's like a painting that was splashed on canvas and there were tears involved and yelling and birds singing and a parade and laughter all in this one painting! Combined and swirled together to make this one album. And it's poetic in many ways. (Not just trying to be a cliche here either, I really mean it.)

If you want to hear something fun listen to "Come on! Feel the Illinoise!" (Specifically the song)
If you want to hear something beautiful listen to "Concerning the UFO Sighting near Highland Illinois." or "John Wayne Gacy Jr." (Disclaimer: it's about a serial killer. Look it up.) and "Casimir Pulaski Day." There's something about these songs that in the music themselves have this heart moving desperation about them, they're painfully alluring and goodly to listen to, eh?

But don't take my word for it, check it out for yourself.

Getting Back Into Spiritual Shape

2010-11-10T17:08:00.000-08:00

Good news. I am doing better as far as Jesus goes. God and I got into a fight last week, but that's only cause we're getting closer. (I didn't win....that's a given.)

A couple weeks ago..........[10/30/10
I had a thought today. The idea was that...well first a brief back story will help. At the beginning of the semester, I was struggling a lot with my hard classes (Chemistry and History) and so when i got my sucky grades back I realized I had to "DO THIS" and do it better. Alyssa, my roommate, and I decided to make a motto/mantra that we would follow whenever we felt like we were slacking. We say "Balls to the Wall!" Which means to 'go all out' or 'doing something at full throttle.' Unconventional, yes, but it emphasized the severity and urgency in which something had to change. And wouldn't you know it, things started looking up!

So my thought was, what if my spiritual life needed the same kick, you know? I know maybe it's a bit odd or sacreligiousish to tell myself "Balls to the wall!" when i want to revamp or resurrect my worship life and friendship with God, but maybe it's what it takes! If I put the same effort into my worship life as I've been trying to do with chemistry and history I think the thing would have a fighting chance!]

I'm happy to say that things have been looking up since that Saturday when I wrote the above. I've been captivated by 1st Samuel so far, so we'll see how this goes.

What if you could meet every person in the world?

2010-10-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

      Do you ever wonder how exactly we go about watching television. Like, what constitutes watching television? You have to look at the screen, yes, but have you ever observed yourself while watching TV? What are your eyes looking at exactly?
       Or what makes something cute? I've heard that the symmetry of the face and the small size of, let's say that of an infant or a puppy, makes it cute.
      Or what is a laughter? What makes something funny? what gets triggered in your brain that make bouts of air escape from your mouth with a specific sound? Isn't it fascinating? Extraordinary that abstract ideas like this even have a place in this existence or even in our brains? It blows my mind!
         It's strange and even frustrating that I cannot quantify laughs or cuteness or pinpoint the exact way that you watch television!
        On another note, Isn't it funny how people from different spheres may not ever talk to a person of another sphere and doesn't care much for that other person because they don't know that they should care about the other person. I know it's obvious but isn't it sad or just crazy that you will never know a number of people on the planet. Or more so that you may not even know a number of people at your university or in your class or at your place of work?
         There are lots of people that at face value don't seem like people you'd want to know,but when you get to know them for whatever reason, you find that they were/are people worth knowing. It's sad that there are people worth knowing out there that we will never even meet. I think that's why people consider themselves lucky when they befriend someone special. It's because out of every person that you could've met, you were lucky enough to meet the person that you did meet. You know?

My Knee Caps Bring all the Boys to the Yard

2010-09-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

"What're you doin' in short-shorts?"
I look down at my short pants. The hem sits just four and a half inches above my knee cap.
"I have sweatpants to put over them." I answer.
What I really want to say is "Are you freakin' kidding me? These are short shorts? There are many things I want to say, but I bite my tongue. I can't be disrespectful. She's my boss after all.

At work, there are a set of rules that I need to abide by in order to collect a check at the end of every two weeks. I'm pretty sure I break most of them on any given shift. The trick is to not get caught. When I work at the register, I'm always late, I wear open-toed shoes and shorts, my friends loiter at my register, and I eat at my work space. But really do they have any complaints? I don't think they should. I'm really nice to the customers and people generally tend to gravitate towards friendly individuals. And on the grandeur scheme, at my school with their dress code and the rule about going off campus for the weekend. It's freakin' condescending! The rule is no shorts to class and we have a curfew every night and if you go away for the weekend with people of another gender you need to have a chaperone couple in the form of married people, unless it's a school sanctioned event. I hate all these rules because for the lot of them, I don't for the life of me, understand the principle behind them.

A. No shorts? Why? I am 1. not wearing booty shorts or daisy dukes. I know there are lot of girls that wear them, but sorry, I guess I just don't have that kind of confidence in myself that I could show that much thigh. Oh but I get it. The 3 inches above my knee, Oh boy, that really winds the boys up! Those knee caps just get 'em going! But the funny thing is, that if I were to wear a skirt that length, chances are I wouldn't get a second glance. I feel like more openly feminine women are more or less rewarded for their "dress-uppityness."

B. Friends loitering at my register while I work. Their opposition is stupid. I most definitely get my job done while I chat with at friend. She's not in the isle way or anything. Plus it keeps the mind numbing boredom at bay. I talk to my coworker that works at the other register while I'm working, what's the difference!

On another note, they want to implement uniform shirts and aprons for the register. And not something neutral either. (Not that it makes much of a difference.) I've heard rumors that it'll be a mucous colored green. LISTEN ADMINISTRATION. THIS ISN'T PANERA BREAD!! WE'RE STUDENTS! I'm sick of having to change for work and then change after work to go to my class. As if it's not bad enough that I leave smelling like garlic and burnt veggie meat.

C. Trips on the weekends without a married couple? That's so bogus! For example, my roommate went on a school sanctioned trip and slept in her own sleeping bag, but between a guy and a girl. Big Woop! I'm an adult! I am in College! Honestly, there are people who are going to find a way to get out and have sex, and get drunk, let's be real. By instilling these rules that I believe are truly based in tradition, students have become rebellious. I don't condone sexual promiscuity or drunkenness. It's that key of tradition that people can't give up. I know I chose to come here and that we, as an Adventist institution, are supposed to be different and stand out, but in reality, I'm not sinning! People will live their lives out the way they want to no matter what rules have been put into place. So, why so strict? I think it's silly if getting stuck in tradition means you can't refresh and renew things based on the new times and generation. Truly, I just want a clear reason certain rules are being enforced. Because if we're in a "Because I said so," situation, I think we're stuck in this backwards mind set that's focused on legalism. To harsh? Why don't we check ourselves and reevaluate the situation. Then tell me I"m wrong.

Pirsig, among other things. . .

2010-09-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

This is what I'm reading now. I've heard it's real good. The career counselor recommended it. (My career counselor is kind of a hippie, as I've mentioned before.)

I went for a run the other day, with the intentions of going rock climbing in the gym afterwords. So I put my bag, cell phone, and ID card, without a lock, into a locker in the girls locker room. I come back 30 minutes later and some joker has put a padlock on my locker. I'm confused because I am positive that this is my locker. So to make sure I was not mistaken, I opened and looked into EVERY SINGLE OTHER LOCKER IN THE LOCKER ROOM THAT DID NOT HAVE A LOCK ON IT. Nope! Nothing. So I went to the front desk to ask and try to figure it all out. The girl directed me to someone higher up that could help me out further. Long story short I was given gigantic cutters to go to town on that dollar padlock. Which I did. I busted that thing open and wouldn't you know, there was my stuff. I came to the conclusion that this was not a very bright thief. If I was going to steel a bunch of expensive gear, I'd of taken it and left, eh? But no. They must've thought they'd have enough time to work out and come back for the goods without my noticing. My initial thought was that they had accidentally put the lock on the wrong locker, but after surveying the other 19 empty lockers on my side I decided that this was a thief. A stupid, thief at best, but a thief nevertheless.

I'm too trust worthy of the world around me, sometimes, I'd say.

Mushaboom

2010-09-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

It's the time again. Words words words. Nothing makes much sense. My mind is overflowing with thoughts. Turning upways and downward and side to side and slanted. It's insane. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this overwhelmed by thought. Like the only way to make it dissapate or shut it up for even a minute would mean running it all way. Running until the world dissappears around you and the sky could swallow you up and every green thing just pops like they're realer than yesterday. The syntax just wants to explode out of my head, but there are just TOO MANY THINGS GOING ON IN MY HEAD!! Creativity is bubbling over, pouring out of my heart. It's birthed on paper and in colors and through words of inspiration or music on clefs. It's almost too much. To much to deal with and try to manage at one time. It's a different kind of confusion. One that leaves the universe open to possibilities. One that makes the existance of philosophy an actuality. You know what my brain is like? It's like that starbucks commercial that advertises the new Frappccino.

That's like my brain only I'm in super hyper drive and there are more pictures! You know what it is? I think I've had too much sugar lately, plus my recent events, that I'll have to explain in the next blog since I'm not mentally capable of doing so right now, which will hopefully make a lot more of this stuff sound a little less trippy.

Maybe That's the Point

2010-09-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Some people wrestle with theological discrepancies between religions or understanding texts. I guess I'm more basic in the things that I grapple with. Every once in a blue moon I think to myself, "Have I got this straight? How do I know I'm doing this 'Christianity' thing right?" Most days it makes sense, but other days I ask those questions. I know 100% God is real. As has been evident in my own experiences that have left me, without a doubt, clear on that. It's more like the whole lifestyle of it. I think the Bible can give us tips and guidelines on what God thinks is a good way to live, but how do I know that I'm going about it the right way. Jesus was a guy that cared for the poor and prayed to God as much as He breathed air and accepted everyone just the way they were, but He also spoke critically to pharisees and overturned tables in a temple turned market place. But Jesus did those things because He was perfect and thus aloud to speak sharply to people he felt needed reprimanding, but humans are not Jesus. We can try to be like him as far as his character, but we'll never get to "blameless" status. That's impossible. Where's the right balance of coexisting with people that have different views than you. Listening and being open, but not allowing tolerance to make you compromise your morals. People think that being Christian means your either knocking people over the head with a leather bound NKJV saying "Heathen of the World! Eternal Damnation is yours!" or that we're these perfect people who can do no wrong so when we slip up it's like "That hipocrit! See they weren't Christians at all!" (Don't get me wrong, I know that people like that do exist, but that's not all of us. Some of us are trying to live peaceably, make friends, and not be elitists on crusades. But for some of us, myself included, it's hard to find the balance so that I don't offend you, but I also stick to my guns of my beliefs. I guess my job, is to keep trying to have a closer relationship with God and get in tune with Him, just like I get in tune with any other friend and things will start to make more sense. That's why its the Christian LIFESTYLE. Because it's not something you choose to do for the day or the week or even the year. It's for life. Some may think that I'm missing out on stuff, but really at the end of my life when I'm lying in my death bed after living with, loving on, and learning from people, even if God wasn't real what would i have lost for living like I did? Nothing. Maybe that's the point.

Chuck Norris

2010-09-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a bad day to climb.

I am Ugh-in' tired from running yesterday. I guess that's what I get for being sedentary for 3 weeks. I ran out of fuel after three goes on the wall. Barely, if that! And I know in the past I've said that I didn't care about climbing with the "big dogs," well for the most part it's the truth, but sometimes it's annoying because they don't really talk much and it's hard not to compare myself to them. A bunch of sick nasty monkeys on the wall. And to that I say WE NEED MORE GIRLS OUT THERE! Come on ladies! Where you AT?! There is a severe imbalance of hormones on the playing field. Although not gonna lie, confession, watching the guys ascend with those muscular arms and legs...ha ha ha. Let me stop. But really, I appreciate their enthusiasm for the sport, even if they're generally quiet about it. I think it's because when it's me and 6 other guys, they're in their what I like to call, "Guy Zone." I'm in their element and so I think that cramps their free spiritedness as guys. I don't know. And I don't care. I'll climb when I want despite the crowd because at the end of the day, I climbed for me!

Random Joke I heard today: "Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands and when he came back, they were just the Islands."

Tungsten, Cadmium, and the other elements

2010-08-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I had an epiphany that encompassed the entirety of my scientific education!! I'm taking General Chemistry this year, guh, and we have he elements and their ions to study for a quiz for next week. I noticed that my two favorite elements to say are tungsten and cadmium. They're just really good words. So on the drive home from Walmart, our favorite place down here in the south, I was thinking to myself "I wonder what tungsten looks like in a mass?" more or less that's what I was thinking. And then I thought, "Well wait. If everything is made up of an element, what are people made up of?" And then I was remembered, "People are made up of CHON!" More of less, "Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen." That sort of thing. Then I put one and two and three together and GOT SIX!! "CHON makes up people and CHON is organic. People are organic and People are alive= things that are alive are organic! WHICH IS EVERYTHING OUR SCIENCE TEACHERS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL US SINCE DAY 1!! Oh joy. Oh rapture that I would be fortunate enough on my twentieth year, to come to such a realization. I know I sound like a total moron for not thinking that through...during the duration of my whole life, but I'm just happy I finally did.

That is all.

oh by the way, tungsten looks like this...

And Cadmium like this...

And this is a person...

January in the Airport

2010-08-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

It has been some time since I last conjured up a concoction, eh? Spun up a zinger? Alright, let me not get carried away. So I was/am in the process of packing up my suitcase for the long journey ahead. A.k.a back to school. My flight is tomorrow morning. Or I should say this morning since I'm still gathering stray items this late into the night. Anyways, I was going through old papers and such when I happened upon a folder of some, as usual, unfinished writing that I'd done from this past year that had been collecting dust in a nearby drawer. Amidst the pile was an account of the last time I flew back to school. So for this blog entry I will type up the thoughts I guess I had from my last flight. Here thee are.

1.4.09
My backpack full of books, was now resting on the floor infront of me by my feet next to the extra handbag I had managed to smuggle onto the previous flight. I had stowed the tote in my backpack in the remaining space that wasn't being overpowered by pages of words.

My connecting flight wasn't due to take off until 2:00 in the afternoon and last glance at my cell phone told me my wait would be a good 4 hours! "With this many books, I should have lots to do" I thought. Nine things worth doing truthfully. All packed up with my laptop computer, ipod, and other currently sedentary distractions. The next best activity to pass the time would have been to sleep. And even though I am incredibly trusting of the integrity of our nation's citizens, almost overly so, I just couldn't bring myself to fold over with my face between my knees for a mid-morning nap in public. I decided to people watch. Whilst people watching, you could think and procure ideas of those around you without stirring odd stares.

My first subject of observation was a little girl with her parents and brother just in front of me. I was repulsed at the deep fried donut her parents had rewarded her with. Something about children eating unhealthy food disgusts me. Maybe it's because I know the damaging effects it will have on the child in the years to come. That poor kid is munching into arteriole clogging, coronary heart disease, and obesity. All possibilities, sure, but there is no need to start a process that doesn't need to begin.

I leave the donut family alone and look at a woman who is reading a magazine. She flips passed the workout tips and stops at an article about Brittany Murphy. Did you know that she died? Well, she did. I see that the corner of the article says, "What was Brittany taking?" and I think to myself, 'The poor girl is dead. Let her go!' They didn't let her live while she was alive, probably surrounded by paparazzi and now that she's dead they won't let her die. I decide to leave the lady with the magazine to her story. When she turns the page I see a buxom brunette from New Jersey that's getting her 15 minutes of fame from a reality television show no doubt, that I do not recognize.

I take a break from watching everyone scurry about to get something to put in my gut. Being a pescatarian [at the time] in the middle of the airport that is serving nothing but what looks like chicken and burgers. I opt for french fries. The one food that I could really do without right about now is the only salty thing around that I could probably eat. Over the past two weeks I must've gobbled up 8 or 9 cartons of the greasy devils. With each bite that I took, I felt like shooting myself in the foot. I didn't even finish the order before I felt the poison making me ill and in the dumpster they went.

People from my school started trickling in here and there. 'There'll be a whole shuttle full of us.' I figured. Casey Drical*, a very loud girl, could be heard even over the bustle and commotion of the airport. A few mildly attractive young men stood watching everyone else with their dispirited eyes. A woman with pearls dangling form her lobes joined the other people at the chairs not knowing that the power in this section of the airport was out. Things got slower with each passing flight and boredom began to set in.

*Name changed

The Perfect Kind of Dry

2010-07-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

My hands are dry. The perfect kind of dry, where I can peel the callouses off effortlessly. It’s a disgusting habit that makes my hand hard and ugly, but I can’t help myself. When the stress is high, or boredom for that matter, I go to town on them. Poor my hands, they don’t deserve it. Anyways…

I just had a dream, during an impromptu nap, where I ducked away under the table in the staff room. My brain thought up me at camp being swept up by this torrent of water that came from who knows where. And then I could fly. It was all sorts of whimsical. Then I woke up like an hour or so later. Man it was nice. I think I really, REALLY needed it. At least based on the way I was feeling this morning it was a good thing I got that nap. I was just about ready to bite Adrian, my supervisor, in the neck. Ha ha ha. Or something to that extreme. The anger I had toward him carried on to today, but after that nap. Ugh, thank goodness I got to take one though. I felt like daisies would pop out of my skull and it was going to start raining cotton freakin’ candy! I was just in the best of moods. I think it was also due to the fact that I prayed and I asked God to help me forgive my supervisor even though he didn’t really know why I felt slighted. Whatever, it’s over and done with and I’m feeling good.

Camp is almost over. PRAISE THE LORD! It’s beyond time, for this shin dig to be over and done with. As much as I like it for what it was, I am SO ready to leave. I want to go home, but even more, I want to go back to school. I’m so happy I can scarce contain my happiness! There are many reasons why I think I’m so ecstatic, but whatever the true reason is that lies deep in my core I don’t care, I just NEED to get back to school!

FUN Food

2010-06-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. You know when an advertisement comes on? For example, I saw an advertisement for this product called "Aquapods." Aquapods are just miniature bottles of water in the shape of little balls. It's kind of weird, but whatever. So the company says something to the effect of "now drinking water is FUN!" Like what does that mean. It's just water. Just like McDonalds's advertises their chicken nuggets as being FUN! I don't quite understand how something can be fun just because it's been innovatively crafted to resemble the same product in a more FUN way. Maybe I'm missing the point.

The Time I Decided to Run a Marathon

2010-06-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I started a marathon, believe it or not. An actual running marathon. Part way through, I stopped to walk. Not only did I stop to walk, I felt like I’d forgotten something at mile marker four and started walking backward to find it. I was looking on the ground and everything for it. The amazing thing was this guy with a scruffy beard who had just won the marathon ran back. The guy was running all the way back through the course, just helping people finish the race. Weird, right? He finally got to me all the way at mile marker four still looking for the thing I’d lost.

“Hey!” he said jogging up next to me. “I noticed that you’re looking for something.”

“Yeah, I lost something here, I think. I had to come back for it.” I said still looking on the ground. Not really paying much attention to this guy, even though he was a marathon winner.

I proceeded to explain to him what I thought I’d lost.

“Oh really?” He said jogging in place. “I have bunch of those. There at the finish line though.”

“You do?” I said looking up.

“Yeah, and they’re perfect and new and everything!” He said.

Even though his off was enticing I persisted, insisting that I needed to stay here and look for the one I’d lost. I got down on all fours searching and searching for the thing.

“Are you sure you don’t want any of my stuff? I’ve got tons to share. I’m mean I’m willing to part with it, you know?” He insisted.

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks though.” I continued my search.

He didn’t say a word in return and I didn’t even look up to say goodbye. I was so determined to find my missing treasure that I dropped at mile marker four.

Sometime passed. Not much time, before another guy camp along. He was in the marathon too, I guess. I mean, he had on a number. He wore all grey. I’m guessing he didn’t want to stand out? I don’t know. He walked up to me. Oh and did I mention he was a pretty attractive guy.

“Hey.” He said cool and casually.

“Hi.” I said. This was getting old. People were staring at me since I’d gotten on all fours. How embarrassing. I just wanted to be invisible while I looked for my thing.

“Lost something?” He asked curiously.

“Yeah, but you shouldn’t be worrying about me. Shouldn’t you be running. Don’t you want to win?”

He chuckled a little, “It’s not about winning the race sweetheart, it’s about finishing.”

Ok, so this guy was confident. Not to mention handsome and staring right at me. His eyes sparkled and I was transfixed for a moment before getting up. I was giving up. I couldn’t find what I thought I’d dropped so my plan was to keep walking through the race and look for it on the way, maybe.

“Wait!” Mysterioso called from behind me. “I think I saw what you’re looking for. I can help you find it.”

“No thanks. You probably just want me to loose anyway.”

“Sweetheart, would I lie to you? Could a face like this lie?” I raised an eyebrow. He put his arm around me directing me in the opposite direction of the race. “Besides, it’s not about winning the race, it’s about finishing it. We’ve got plenty of time.”

Although it sounds strange, I walked with the man in grey for about a quarter of a mile backwards and then he told me that what I was looking for lied somewhere in this general area. I walked around a bit and saw nothing.

“You sure you know what I’m looking for?” I questioned.

“Yeah. I think.” He said scratching his head. “Describe it to me again?”

So I did. He listened then said, “Oh, wait never mind. I saw that a little ways back. Come on, I’ll show you.”

I got excited so I followed in a jog behind him. We ran backward a little more than half a mile.

“Where is it?” I asked after we’d jogged a bit.

“Here it is!” He exclaimed holding something up.

“Um, that’s not it!” I yelled. “I can’t believe I ran all this way for nothing!”

“Darling, look. this is just as good as what you were looking for, if not better. They’re as good as the guy’s at the finish.”

“Really?”

“Of course!” Give it a test run.”

So I did. And you know what, it was pretty great. But even still, something wasn’t right. The more and more I used the thing, the farther and farther back I went on the marathon path. The guy in grey left for a while and my use of the device went on for a bit. Then I remember the beard guy. He’d promised me something similar, if not better, because his device was new and perfect and the best part was, it was at the finish line. With the guy in grey’s contraption I was going nowhere fast.

That’s when I saw him. The guy from before. I was happy to see his bearded face. And you know what, he wasn’t that bad looking. Pretty cute in fact, but that’s beside the point.

“What’re you doing all the way back here?” I asked. “I thought you left all the way at mile marker four. I’m almost back at the start now.”

“What’re you talking about?” He looked confused. “I may not have answered you, but I didn’t go anywhere.

“You didn’t?”

“No!” he smiled. “I had run around the corner to get you an energy bar and some water and when I got back you were walking away with that guy in the grey shorts. I was calling you, but I guess you couldn’t hear me? So I’ve been following you. I was waiting until you stopped to give this to you and offer my assistance in helping you finish. I know all the best techniques to get you through.”

I was confused. Why was this guy so interested in helping me?

I think he could tell because he said, “Look. My trainer is throwing me an awesome party when we all cross the finish line.

The guy in the grey shorts is upset because he lost his invite and can’t get in anymore. So he’s walking around trying to make innocent people like yourself get caught up in things that don’t matter. He doesn’t want anyone to celebrate if he can’t. You know how misery loves company. So will you come with me?”

“I don’t know. Over the past hour I’ve realized that the guy in grey is kind of a control freak. Even though your party sounds like fun I don’t know if he’d be okay with me just up and leaving.”

I was a little worried. This sounded like it’d take a lot of work to finish the race. After all it was a marathon and I was basically starting from the beginning again.

“Look. All you have to do is say yes and I’ll take care of everything else, okay?”

I pondered this for a moment and then realized what I had to do. “Okay…Yes.”

This was great for a while. We ran side by side talking and laughing and the beard guy, whose name was actually Jess, gave me tips on what to do along the race. We even passed mile marker four, but I started getting tired so we’d jog. Then that turned into a walk. Soon we were talking less and less. Then I started thinking about the guy in grey. He was handsome and had offered me pretty cool things. Occasionally, when my imagination would get the best of me I’d begin walking backwards thinking of all the great stuff the guy in grey would give me, etc.

But Jess was persistent. He wouldn’t physically stop me, but sometimes he’d get in my face and remind me why were trying to finish the marathon. I liked those times because they’d usually set me straight. But sometimes I’d walk pretty far backwards before I’d tell myself to turn around again. And Jess was there, every time I came back, to run with me.

It went back and forth throughout the entire race. Constantly trying to remind myself that it’s not about winning the marathon, it’s about finishing it.

The journey of spiritual maturity is comparable to a marathon. Where are you on your marathon path? {Hebrews 12: 1-3}

Catching the Travelers Bug

2010-06-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

I read a facebook friend's status on their web page that they were "Thinking of moving to Switzerland." This is not so far fetched as she is currently in France at a French Adventist university studying abroad. Another friend of mine in the same study abroad program at this school that borders the Swiss Alps, said earlier this past school year that she wanted to get an apartment in the area. Even move there if she could. Even my eldest sister, who first got her traveling start in one such study abroad program to Italy, has since caught the travel bug. In fact she's only just returned from a week long trip to Costa Rica. One of the many adventures she's embarked on, on a whim. A mere vagary and she's off again. My own flesh, my own blood, traveling the globe to figuratively countless countries and worse, without me. Back from her trip to Costa Rica more than once she's mentioned that she'd fallen into paradise. An actual Heaven of a place. I can't help but wonder what all of these traveling people have experienced that left them so helpless to the tugging of the countries they've seen. What fastens them by the lapels to the land?

Having been out of the US only really twice (Canada and Brazil) to places that I didn't initially have a fondness for, I feel deprived of something. Perhaps my God given right to know these wonders of the world. I feel deprived of that. And it's not even just going outside of this country. I want to see the canyon crater that God punched into the Earth and things like that. I've been subjugated by the financial and academic realities of the college experience and it feels as though "seeing the world" is always just out of reach for me. It's not that I want to rush though school, but it's like there's no place to fit for example a semester to Spain. I'd prefer to call it rather an extended vacation with required reading.

I know it won't last, though. I know that I will travel and see everything and I mean EVERYTHING that I've dreamt of and envisioned for myself to see. But it's hard having the travel bug, and no cure. Nothing to temporarily stamp out the need to just GO! It's hard when the need to travel boils in my blood and consumes my thoughts. It's difficult when everyone you know heads off to far away lands and they talk about how awesome life is where they are. Believe me I know it. And I'm happy for them. I'm happy for anyone that gets to live a dream, but it's just hard.

Luckily, I have big plans for myself. And I'm driven. I think being driven is a good place to start. And you know what? Things are starting to look up. Perhaps England next summer? We'll see.

The Anti Pick Up Line

2010-05-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

So I was watching this show a few weeks ago called "Undateable: 100 things guys do that guarentee they won't be dating or having sex." (This was VH1). So one of the things they mentioned was bad pick up lines and the fact that guys won't get dates using them. (Mostly true.) But this girl came up with an anti pick up line. (Ladies, you should try to remember it.)

Lame pick up line...
Guy: "Hey. Is your father an alien? Because you are out of this world?"

Rebuttal...
Girl: "Mmm. Are you Macauley Culkin? Cause you are definitely going Home Alone tonight."

End.

What's On Your To Do List?

2010-05-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

And so continues the inescapable summer cycle. I wager that I will experience a total of 3 summer cycle before the summer's end.

The Summer Cycle:

1. THE RUT:

The rut is the first part of the cycle. It's what you fall into if you're not careful. Unsuspecting summer saunterers may trip on one lousy day that lands you perhaps on a couch or a comfy bed. If you ever find yourself in this position. One vital piece of advice. GET UP!! Whatever you do, don't stay down. Don't get too comfortable. The next thing you'll know is that you're experiencing rut rot. And that, my friends is the worst position to be in.

2. RUT ROT: Rut rot is the part that makes the rut so awful. This stage is where you remain in the rut. This is where you flounder. You lay in bed past 12:00pm, you feel isolated from your peers, your brain starts to stew as you waste away in front of the telly, you eat your feelings in fried food, pints of ice cream, and sadly you can't remember the last time you've exercised much less got up to use the bathroom?

Sound familier? Yes, there is a name for that. It's the Rut Rot.

3.PULLING YOURSELF UP BY THE BOOTSTRAPS: Lucky for you the cycle doesn't end there. This third stage is the part where you come to terms with your lazy behavior and see the need to dig yourself out of the disarray. This is the part where you give yourself a swift kick in the pants or as I'd like to call it, you pull yourself up by the bootstraps. You start to tell yourself that it's time you read your Bible more and pray when your actually cognizant and call people and get out of doors and exercise!

4.LIVING: There's not much I need to say for this stage. I'm sure it's pretty self explanatory. Basically, this is the stage where you feel like you again. You're doing stuff and there is purpose to your life. You have a reason to get up in the morning, etc.

If you feel like your at risk of tripping into a rut and looping through the cycle I suggest the following. Make a list of all tangible things you've wanted to accomplish all school year that you just hadn't the time to do. Now, DO THEM! And when you feel yourself slumping into that pit of no return, just look at your list and get reenergized. Stay connected. Nothing is worse that feeling lonely. Call friends and catch up. Be a proactive vessel and a catalyst for your life. No one can do it for you, but you.

My SUMMER CYCLE List

I'm going to learn:

-Knot Tying

-Braille

-Sign Language

-Another Language, or just get better at Spanish

-Everything there is to know about 6 Countries (or more)

~Austrailia

~England

~Argentina

~Cambodia

~Liberia

~Mozambique

-Read at least one book per week

-Write and actually complete 4 short stories.....

And the list continues.

This is my list for the next 6 weeks before I "ship out" to camp, but what's yours? I challenge you to come up with one.

When You're Forced to Face Reality

2010-05-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

Anxiety creeps into my bones when I think of the reality of the future. When I was in high school I used to love and hate the idea of making big decisions. Like deciding whether or not I'd follow the moral code that had been past down to me by my parents or which college I'd go to or what major I'd undertake. And in college the rules haven't changed. Same complicated questions and life changing choices.

When i finish school what will become of my life? It's like the climax of my existence in my mind, was always to get to college. And now that I'm here it's as if I've reached the pinnacle of happiness or something and that's it, almost. I've only thought about my life until this point. My pages are blank beyond that graduation day when I snatch my diploma and leave the school in my dust tracks. There are a few things on those next few pages. Dreams of sorts, scrambled no less on those blank spaces. Graduate school, traveling the world, maybe getting married, that sort of thing. But mostly I've ignore it. It's beyond my comprehensive scope. The thought is daunting. It has always been easier to remain transfixed in my books and movies that deter my reality for as long as I choose.

I think I've painted a fantastic picture of what my future could be. Lot's of color and sound, but what if I'm destined to live a plain life, doing the nine to five thing, being sucked into the rush lifestyle of the "American Dream?"

Paraphrasing a quote I've heard, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." (Wait, maybe that is the actual quote.....) I guess the same can be said about college and the college life and everything that comes with it. It's better to have done the college thing, made friends, created memories and then bid them goodbye than to not have made those memories at all. But in the rocky ebb and flow of college life and with the hub of people graduating and friends traveling to far away lands and generally being separated from those people you've come to love, by states or continents I almost can't believe in that quote. Why would i want to feel the pain of goodbyes and the gap of separation as a result of 4-6 years of jovial memories? It is bittersweet and heartbreaking.

I heard a sermon before I left school about how through all the changes the one thing that you can count on to be constant is God. Honestly, that notion wasn't all that comforting. If you're like me you're fearful of change and what it implies. God is constant, but nothing else is and that instills panic in me.

I don't want to get old. I don't want to start to sag. I don't want things to change! I want to stay like this, in my 20's forever! In the words of Coldplay's Chris Martin "I want to fly and never come down. And live my life and have friends around."

I wish I could end with a bible verse of encouragement or a gem of wisdom, but alas I am without words and my heart hurts.

Going Barefoot Sucks!! And other disconcerting happenstances of April 8th. (2010)

2010-04-08T15:10:00.001-07:00

Going Barefoot sucks!

Let's face it. Unless it's in accordance with your will, going barefoot downright sucks. Today was "A day without shoes" day, by Tom's shoes. (check 'em out online.) I woke up to find a torrential monsoon out my window. Initially I wanted to forget barefoot day and put on my boots. But then I thought, you know, that's the whole point. People across the globe are not afforded the option of putting their shoes on when they feel like it. They walk barefoot rain or shine or snow or WHATEVER!!

A few things I've noticed today:

-Within 5 minutes of my trek to the Psych building, my feet were already being rubbed raw with the rough sidewalks.

-I couldn't walk as fast I normally walked because it hurt and I had to dodge worm guts that were strewn across the pavement. (I'm grossed out about that sort of thing even with my shoes on. Seriously! I was one stride away from vomiting.)

-I looked at the ground pretty much the entire time I walked. I didn't want to step on worms or sharp rocks. Which I inevitably did anyway.

-Aside from the rain I didn't feel like walking around as much. Duh. That's a given.

-I was exceedingly grateful for smooth surfaces.

-I really appreciate the fact that God has blessed me so well that I can own as many shoes as I'd want.

I have to say that the experience was enlightening. I thought about it and I concluded that I couldn't do a lot without shoes. I couldn't play soccer without my cleats, go rock climbing without those rubber soles, go running without getting cut up, and needless to say, I could barely walk up and down the side walk. Now, I wonder how I can bless others.....

And Other Disconcerting Happenstances of April 8th (2010):

I had to deliver a persuasive speech for my speech class today on a controversial topic. When interracial dating fell through I scrambled for a new idea with 4 days to organize it, support it and rehearse it. My new topic? Why it would be best to not have children.

Now disclaimer, the topic of child having/rearing has been brought up and refuted many a times in my head. I've weighed the pros and cons to this issue time and time again. And to be honest I'm not sure I'll be able to come to a conclusion until I'm married. But not getting to carried away here, I presented the idea today in my class, knowing full well, that I'd be rubbing a lot of people the wrong way.

Well after I delivered the thing I had to stay up there and take what everyone dished out. Pretty much as I figured, not to many people took a liking to my topic. There were a few, but needless to say it was AWKWARD AS ANYTHING!! Long story short, I was kind of fed to the wolves and I felt like I had to justify myself, but that didn't happen. And my professor definitely played Devil's advocate on the matter so that made it even more awkward for me. I just kept thinking to myself, "Thank you everybody, I'm just gonna go die now." So that was that.

BUT! There was a kind soul that called me later today to say that they thought the speech was well done and the fact that that person I think, really understood what it felt like to be put on the spot like that made me feel better about the whole thing.

And now that it's archived here, I shall never think of it again!

End.

Tunnel Vision

2010-03-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

It was late last night that my good friend Sabine parked herself on my dorm room floor. As we chit chatted and complained about life, the time passed. Before she left however she said something really wise. She said that she wanted to start being content with where she was. She talked about how in high school she wanted to be in college and in college she'd want to be in med school and then from there she'll just want to be done with it all. And I internally identified with her. "It's like we're missing the happiness that God has for us right now. As both singles and students." She said. (I paraphrase.)

It's like I'm an engine driver and I'm rushing to get to the end of the track without enjoying the scenery around me. How sad would it be to get to the end only to realize the real prize was the trip there. ( I understand that that analogy has been used numerous times in your existence, but bear with for the sake of the point of this message.)

Am I rushing past the things college has to offer, my friends have to offer, this life has to offer? Do I have tunnel vision for my goals in life? In the previous blog I talked about how it felt like my life was going to crumble in on itself and that college just felt too hard to do. And my friend commented on it and said something that more or less put it into perspective. (and made me laugh)

She said:

Dear Daphne,
One day, our grades will burn in hell. Honestly.
And we will not be judged or need to be concerned about our GPA and careers. God has something AMAZING planned for you...only YOU can do it. :]]
Just keep pushing forward.

God really does have something awesome planned for each of us if we just embrace His God plans and trust that no matter the toughness of this season in our lives is, WE CAN DO IT!!

Don't get tunnel vision.

A Miracle.....Please?

2010-03-07T21:49:00.001-08:00

My life is in shambles. Going down in flames. With the passing of one spring break everything feels like it's the end of the world as I've known it. Oh Boy! Everything that ever was seems to be due THIS WEEK!! And I am SOOO not ready. If I make it, it'll be by some sheer miracle. Part of me wishes I hadn't gone anywhere for spring break and stayed here and slaved away to do all of this stuff. Oh well, no point dwelling on the past.

How have people before me, done this thing called college and made it?

You’re Attractive Because…..

2010-03-05T21:22:00.000-08:00

The intrigue, the infatuation, the crushes.

This is one of those entries that’s crazy enough to end up on my blog and you’re permitted to poke past my brain an into my thoughts. (That should make sense, kind of.) Not that anything I write or think should ever be all that special or important, but since you’re stopped and taken this break in time to read what I’ve just typed then well, Voila. Here you have it.

Background and Disclaimer: This idea came to me a few weeks ago while I lay in bed one school day afternoon before lab while attempting to induce myself into a nap. I was thinking of some of the friends I’ve made and the crushes I’ve had and why exactly I liked these certain people.

I resolved that for each individual that fit into this category, like every other friend I’ve made, there is a level of attractiveness about them. Why did/do I like them? This category of individuals however, are specifically crush type people. And even though this could turn me into the village idiot and a laughing stock, I’ll post it anyways.

Isn’t life’s about living, after all?

Guy 1:

Your attractiveness is vague. There’s no way to put my finger on it, but when we hug, as friends do, I know it’s heart felt and all feels well with the world for those short moments, kind of as it should be. Your strange but friendly ways just enhance the unique you.

Guy 2:

You’re definitely attractive because of your looks. You’re also friendly and witty and wit is always appreciated.

Guy Three:

You’re attractive because of your friendship and humor. You’re always making me laugh. That goes for several of you actually. But I know I can count on you to always be an open honest friend.

And 4:

You are somethin’ else. You have a certain debonair about you. You have a swagger to your step and sense of confidence, but you’re also shy at times, which makes for a blend of certain attractiveness. I also like that we share certain interests in common.

Finally (5):

You’re creativity and enthusiasm is what attracts me to you. You have a drive for the unconventional that draws me in. You see an array of possibilities where others merely see a hopeless challenge, but because you’re willing to face these challenges with determination and a willing spirit you are ultimately attractive. Not to mention the permanent quizzical look affixed on your face is a reminder of how sweet you are.

End.

QUE FRUSTRACION!!

2010-02-23T20:31:00.001-08:00

AHHHHHHH!!!! Maybe it's the "it's time for spring break" monster talking, but I...NEED....TO...GET...AWAY!!!! FAR AWAY FROM HERE!!!

Everything seems to being sucking lately. Keeping up my motivation to do things has been really hard, the cafe food started to get old last semester, MY ROOM IS A PERPETUAL DISASTER!!! (I need to do my dishes, but the whole lack of motivation thing..... I even contemplated eating cereal out of a plate this morning. Only briefly, but It's THAT bad. ha ha ha.) AND I ATE ANTS IN MY CEREAL THIS MORNING!!!! UGGHHHH!!!!

I'm sooooo tired of being on this campus. Don't get me wrong, deep down in the depths of my heart I love the people, this place, and the atmosphere, but right now, I am NOT lovin' it! At least if I had a car I could make a sweet escape to nowhere in particular, but NO! I'm stuck. Locked in place. QUE FRUSTRACION!

I need to go to Europe.

Real Meals

2010-02-22T14:35:00.000-08:00

Since yesterday I've eaten,

-A container of mini chicken fingers from China kitchen. (I felt nauseated all through the night however, so I'll continue to be a pescatarian.)

-Approximately 22 ounces of carrots (I know! Disgustingly excessive. I sustain the addiction by buying two pounds instead of one per shopping experience. And leaving the bag out on my desk for easy access. (The trips to the mini fridge were becoming intolerable.))

-Almost an entire bag (8 ounces) of Simply Naked Pita Chips. (My lunch and dinner today. Probably bad news bears.)

-And finally several handfuls of miniature marshmallows.(Which are currently sitting on my window sill, in two shallow bowls, basking in the outside air from the open window. I'm trying to speed up the staling process. The staler, the better.)

Overall, real meals can be hard to come by when the cafe just won't do it for you anymore and the laziness factor in cooking your own meals overrides hunger pangs and the convenience of junk is right at one's finger tips.

Perhaps it is the time to break into my illegal stash of frozen salmon. Illegal in that we're not supposed to cook meat in the kitchenettes, but I hardly consider such a delectable sea creature "meat". Pshah.

I Am Not My Own

2010-02-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

I am not my own. I am an objective observer of my life. I may watch, but do little else. As I am pelted with various events, causes, trials, decisions, relationships, and the like, I stack them one atop another on my unstable, ever wobbly pyramid of "To Dos."

Every part of me is like a puppet that is pulled in many directions. School yanks my brain, extracurriculars grab at my hands, Southern striders running pulls on my feet, friends and family snatch for my ears, God tugs at my heart, and duty seizes my conscience.

After all of that what is left for me to just be? After all of that what time is left to live life? There is no possible way to live a life that pleases all of these aspects. And the worst is that my fate was brought upon by my own undoing.

However, I conquer that the show must go on! There is hope for me yet. I can't forget that this is just a season in life that happens to be a hard and stressful one, but that I'll get through it and over it. I hope that if you're going through what seems like a forest of trials, just remember that whether you be trounced by Redwoods

or deluged by kudzu,

God, that tugs on your heart will always be there to provide comfort in the hard times.

Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.

Psalms 119:11

The Bitter Sweet Balance of being High

2010-02-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

Boom! Like a fire cracker I'm awake. Restless in the night my blood starts to turn and live within my veins. I am seemingly asleep yet thoughts race through my mind. Knowing not how, I am sitting wide eyed at the edge of my bunk about to jump down. My jittery bones rattle and the sensations to leap from my skin compels me. But instead I just sit there. Staring into the darkness of my dorm room. High.

The jitter bouts and the good Lord got me throught the day. Set to auto pilot I zombied through the motions. Even through I continually wanted to jump out of my skin I was forced to ingest dose after dose in order to fight this horrible head cold. But was the feeling I was getting worth the trade off? Not so.

I am probably one of the few people who feel high off of a regular dose of common cold medicine. It's a bitter sweet balance of a relief of the symptoms of the illness and lunacy. Externally I'm tired and sluggish, even normal! Internally I am buzzing and boiling, dancing and spinning and singing.

Of course I felt "great!" I accomplished much, even. Swaying to my ipod I cleaned my desk, washed all of my dishes, removed the piles of accumulated take-out containers from the floor, and discarded any other remnant that said that I had "let myself go" over the past few days. Everything was simply Heavenly and Profound. All was blissfully right with the world. People's eyes were bluer, music was richer, words kind of rolled over my ears with sweet dispositions, and even though I could only half taste my meals they were not quite as bland as I had remembered. But at 11:54pm, 12:36am, 1:17am, and 2:00am when I should have been as sound asleep as an infant the Sudafed capsules scattered about my desk were a sickening reminder of how much I hate medications.

But the world spins despite me

2010-01-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been so blah for me. I only wanted to do one thing. I couldn't stop thinking about it. All day, like some blahzeh zombie, I just went through the motions of being alive, but really no one was home. Everything, lack luster and emotionless. Blasting my ipod and dancing freely to the tunes usually makes me feel better, but it was mild therapy this time around. The only thing that truly made me content was when we went out to feed the homeless. That was truly amazing!! I ended up turning in early (10:30pm ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!) and reading one of my most liked books. (Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson) I stayed up all night reading. (Love doing that.) Okay so I was up 'til 2:30am same dif. I called it quits for the night and resumed during my early shift at the Café. Double the blah. (I was there for 3 hours for 38 buying customers!) Oh well, I ate up the entire rest of the book and got free breakfast. But still the one thing I want to do keeps creeping back into my consciousness. Guh. And the internal debate rages on.

My side of the room is a disaster. My roommate is totally putting up with it, but I don't know home much more she'll tolerate. Maybe I'll do my dishes and stuff the clothes vomit back into the mouth of the closet from which they came. I'm tired of looking at the mess, but every time I think to do something about it, the bed whispers my name. I just want to nap. I want to fall into a perpetual sleep. I don't want to die, ha ha, just live in a dream world of sorts. Nobody to disturb the peace or expect anything of me and you could read books and hike all day and lay in the sunshine or sleep on the bench in the prayer garden and not get weird stares. Oh if only. But alas, this is real life and homework and a cluttered floor beckons.

Concert Critique

2010-01-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

Winter Jam. The largest Christian Music tour ever. So they keep saying. Well I went this past Friday night and to be honest I was disappointed with what i encountered. I was not to sure about how I felt about going because I only knew of two artists. Third Day and Newsboys and Third Day was my main reason for going. Throughout the beginning of the show I wasn't happy about the show, but I couldn't put my finger on the reason for my disease. But by the time Newsboys came on I knew what it was.

I knew when I decided to go that i would be going to a Christian rock concert. A concert, where you pay money to watch artists do their stuff. But this air of artificial Christianity was almost overwhelming. It was like a bad taste in my mouth.

I like rock music, but this was insane. Fireflight, one of the first few bands came on.

They were head banging and screaming and in between songs the lead singer would quote verses. And then she'd sing and i didn't even know what she was saying. How is that "spreading the gospel."

Then this 17-year-old cheese puff kid named Robert Pierre who was like a Jonas Brother gone solo got on stage and kept quoting verses, but then would sing these teenie bopper songs that he'd try to be all rockery to and again, it was about putting on a show and being a super star more than making Jesus the star.

And then the most disturbing of all had to be Newsboys. They were the biggest showmen of them all.

They started with this cover of a black eye Peas song that was like "Tonight's gonna be a good night" and they just changed some of the lyrics to be "Jesus Friendly." Halfway through their performance two backup dancer girls come out, confetti shot from these monster air guns, and Michael Tait skyrocketed up into the air 20 feet and swung down from a bungee cord.

I was most disappointed because I new I was coming to a concert, hence the entertainment factor, but these people were trying to put a guise on their show and make it into something false. I really didn't appreciate was the fact that they were trying to act like this concert was a worship service, when in reality the entire show was more about glitz and glam over anything else. The pastor that gave the "message" even said, and i quote "You guys paid a really great price for this entertainment..." I was appalled that they would dare pass this off as worship! I was ashamed at the fact that Christians would sink low enough to be okay with this concept of worship!

My only consulation was that a group called Tenth Avenue North and Third Day were the most genuine and authentic out of all the group that performed that night.

They were the closest thing to worship. Third Day actually sang some praise songs and didn't make it all about them. They encouraged the audience to join in and they didn't feel the need to over power the audience by screaming into the mic. And I actually understood what they were singing about. They were the most Christ centered group I'd have to say.

I just felt bad for anyone who didn't really have much to do with the Christian Faith and just wanted to check it out, because they got the wrong idea of what Christianity really is. I mean the mixed messages even through me off. I feel like things like this Winter Jam concert tour is the stuff that makes people on the outside confused about what exactly Christians are advertising, because when they come in to inspect they figure "this all looks the same as what I already do, so what's the point in joining your little club of Christians?" We're supposed to offer better alternatives guys. We're supposed to make people want to be curious about why the whole Christianity thing works for us. But when we're intertwined with everything that is already the norm, people won't care or be curious and that's sad.

Past the Cloud Cover

2010-01-02T14:15:00.001-08:00

Once I heard an illistration about a plane that broke the cloud cover and burst into the sun filled sky above. It flew and flew. And it was perfectly content. But then it was time to land and the pilot did so, reluctantly of course. Down, down, down. Piercing the heavenly mountains the plane fell from grace. It was soaked up into the bleak haze of the day below. And just before the entire plane was swallowed whole the co-pilot looked back to what they were leaving behind. The sun cried and then disapperaed hehind the clouds.

Today on my way to Boston it was all snow and dreer. The car splashed through the piles of slush on the highway. Wipers going we passed "The farm at Walden Woods" and Emerson Hospital where I was born. Surveying the great grey above my head, I realized that despite the weather the sun was fighting to keep the morning looking like a morning. Even though everyone below it took it's shine for granted. We continued through the day as if the blizzard like conditions were a common occurance. As long as there was enough light it didn't matter that we could all swerve off the road because of ice or something like that. But the sun star being hidden, fought patiently. It waited for the eyes to notive that despite the weather He was going to continue to fight, to shine. He wanted them all to know that He'd continue to burn bright. At least enough to make some light for the people to see so they woulnd't drive off the road. and even if only a couple of eyes looked up, that'd be enough.

I believe that God finds himself the star all the time. It's like we think that it should be a common occurance to be saturated by sin. Then occasionally we look up into the blizzardous cold. He wipes his tears so we don't notice He's been crying. If we're wise we book the next flight into the skies. But this time the plane won't dip below the clouds after it's up in the air. If you've purchased a ticket don't misplace it. If you haven't, look into getting one.

Let your love be strong

2010-01-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

Let your love be strong

That was the title of the song that moved my heart tonight.

The little flame licked the insides of my soul at the start. Then he talked about wars and the flame got bigger and my heart writhed and beat faster. My ears rang and my eyes closed.

My thoughts drifted to what could make the hurt stop.

Overwhelmed and out of body, I was totally encompassed.

The music ended and my mind, left to mend, was still. For just that moment my snowflake heart was aloud to melt on a fire called Let your love be strong.

(Did I just write a poem? I didn't think I even liked poetry if you can call this a poem. Okay, not a poem.)

Which soil are you? The parable of the sower.

2009-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

I read Mark 4 this morning for my devotional. It's the parable of the sower. Jesus explains the meaning of the parable saying that the seeds that are to be sown symbolize the word of God. The farmer throws the seeds in four different places symbolizing fours ways that the word of God can be taken.

1. The seeds land on a path. Meaning: people that hear the word but as soon as they hear it Satan comes and takes the word that was sown in them away and that's that.

2. The seeds land on a rocky place. Meaning: People that hear the word with joy, but since they're not rooted in it, it doesn't last.

3. The seeds land among thorns. Meaning: people who hear the word, but because they're worried about the things of this life and preoccupied with accumulating wealth and desire anything but the word, the word is choked off from them and they don't want anything to do with it.

4. The seeds that land on good soil. Meaning: People that hear the word and accept it gladly and because they are rooted in it. In turn, they are fruitful and prosper thirty, sixty, or even a hundred fold.

Then the devotional asks the question, "What type of 'soil' best represents your own response to the gospel?

And I thought to myself that through the ups and downs of a relationship with Jesus I feel like I've been each four of the soils at different times.

Which soil are you?

No more Patés and french fries.

2009-12-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

Most of this holiday break has consisted of me meandering about the house in PJ's and eating an unhealthy amount of patés and french fries. Patés are these pastries filled with some kind of meat. And since I'm a pescatarian I eat the fish ones. My aunt makes them and she put literally a tbsp. of meat to like 5 oz. of pastry crust. Bad news bears, I know. So Christmas eve I eat I'm thinking about 5. Ugh, shoot me. Not to mention I've also been gorging on McDonalds french fries. Shoot me twice! So feeling like a fat lard I decided to maybe break the habit as of today. And since I've been generally feeling like dirt, it's probably a good decision. I can only imagine my poor intestines and arteries coated by slimy crisco. Too graphic? Yeah, okay, done.

Boycotting Boys

2009-12-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

So this is one of those posts where I say a lot of personal things that I don’t actually want to know that anyone is reading. Gah! Here goes.

Back for less than 24 hours and I know what I am going to do. Boycott Boys. The feeling of inadequacy and the idle standing of men has blown the lid off of my top and I’m done. I’m done with guys. The biggest part of the problem is the obliviousy of guys to the way they make me feel. I know I’ve mentioned this qualm before and I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, but it must be said. Guys just don’t know what they do to “my poor nerves.” (I’m reading Jane Austen again.) And what’s worse is that it’s really not they’re faults. They’re just being nice I suppose, but as a women, unless you’ve mastered the art, we tend to read into things too easily. Every thing he does has significance. It’s a horrible challenge to overcome.

It’s like there’s never a mutual interest. You like them, they like you. Never mutual. So I’m officially over it. That means no more, chit chat about guys. (Yes guys, we talk about you ALL the time. Ha ha ha), no more reading too much into stuff (we need to stop doing that girls. We over analyze everything!), no more making a bumbling fool of myself in front of those that I'm attracted to (you'd probably say you can't tell, but I can. I CAN!) and no more setting myself up for the letdown. Oh the beautiful letdown that happens without fail EVERY TIME.

But guys reading, don't take offense to what I've written. This is my personal opinion on something I'm dealing with. It's not about dogging you.

I shall overcome the male population, even if it kills me.

Building in Progress

2009-12-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

On campus there is a construction company that's been working hundreds of thankless hours on our new nursing building. I've strolled past the developments several times this semester watching the heap grow exceedingly taller into the sky and every time I pass I think to myself that there were probably about 40 pairs of hands that went into making this building what it is. It's not just a pile of rubble or even a straight box, but it took pain staking labor, cigarette breaks in abundance, working in the rain and cold, and stacking bricks. They literally stacked the bricks one by one by hand! People may think, "Well, that's their job description. It's what they do." Sure it is, but that job deserves respect and appreciation. How many of us could build an entire building? These guys worked on making this structure fully equipped with plumbing, heat/electricity, and by the time it's complete it will have the aesthetic appeal that draws people into admiration. I think these guys deserve to hear at least one person tell them that they're doing a good job..........maybe that's me.

Chalk, Stones, and Sweat

2009-11-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

I debated all of yesterday whether or not I wanted to go bouldering with SOAP or not. The three cons that were holding me back: 1. It would be with a bunch of dudes, 2. Dudes I don't know, 3. It was from 6pm-10pm. GAH forever long and potentially awkward. Now, many people tried in earnest to convince me that being skirted by 9 guys would have been to my advantage, however I was not fooled. The dating game doesn't work that way for me. (it's too long to get into right here, but if you're interested in my views of the whole dating thing simply

go to entry July 27th 2009 entitled "Wedding Bells.")

So after much mental deliberation, considering the cons and the pros of going: 1. I really wanted to go bouldering since I had never been, 2. And I'd never been to TBA (Tennessee Bouldering Authority) 3. It was cheap, 4. I could get my rock climbing skills going, 5. It could be a growing experience to be out of my comfort zone.....As you can see the pros were overwhelmingly substantial so 20 minutes before the van was scheduled to leave I got dressed and headed out.

Like a little nerd I heeded their advice and brought homework in a backpack. (Homework I didn't so much as look at.) By God's benevolent grace there was one other girl that went that I'd seen before. I aptly introduced my

self to her and praised the good lord for more estrogen.

The gym itself was in this little alley way lookin' thing. The inside was dimly lit, but the atmosphere was super chill. And it was FULL. Everyone and their mother was climbing. There were a bunch of guys with no shirts on that I forced my eyes to keenly dodge now and again. Then there were people who looked like pot heads and then the ones that would never touch the stuff and then Southern people. Us. After signing away my life I timidly walked over with my female companion to the beginners wall. The green routes. So of course I started at level zero.

I got up a couple times, but some of the walls were pretty challenging for green. But still lots of fun. It was cool because everyone kind of just looked out for one another. And not even like Southern people look out for Southern people, but like even the people at the gym were super nice and abundantly helpful. That's partially why i love the outdoor sports scene. Everyone is just like me. Way laid back, way zen, and seem to complement my melancholy phlegmaticism.

All in all, trip equals more or less a success. Not gonna lie though, there were lots of times when the introvert in me prevailed and reduced me to a passive bucket of jell-o. Okay, maybe more like a bowl of syrup since I was less wavering than jell-o, but I wouldn't be opposed to going again, but definitely with a friend.

Done.

Running on 9 hours of sleep for 56 hours of day hurts

2009-11-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

-Study Break '09- (first one this semester. Juuuussstt Kidddiiinnngg....But seriously.)

The faint sound of the tap on the door stirred me to consciousness. I breathe in another breath but slip into unconsciousness once again. It felt like only a minute later my cellular telephone began to jump in it's place indicating that it was time wake up. I sat up over the edge of my bunk gathering my thoughts.....Nothing. Ideas swirled in my mind but nothing remained grounded except for....Lunch! Phone in hand, I sluggishly slowed off of the edge and the soles of my reeboks hit the floor hard. Wavering only slightly I put on my fleece, snatched my ID card, and was out the door in seconds.

It was a little after one o' clock in the afternoon and my 20 minute nap had transformed itself in to an hour and some. But there were no worries, the class I'd skipped at eleven had more than compensated for the time lost. I caught the elevator going down, just as it attempted to leave my floor. The panels moved slowly to shut me in. I could've taken the stairs, but my mind hadn't thought to in time. One measly floor worth of stairs wouldn't have killed me. Nevertheless the bell dingged and I was already out and headed down the hall to my mailbox.

"I just want to check it real quick before I go." I though to myself. My mailbox, so unusually, contained an envelope. Excitedly I conjured up the combination and opened it. While reaching for the letter a bright blue piece of paper danced to the floor.

I read my roommates name off of the envelope.

"Ugh, of course it's for her." I muttered referring to my roommate. I picked up the blue sheet. A dorm letter from the land ladies to it's residents. "Lame." I said aloud stuffing the letter back into the box. "I'll leave this for Alyssa." Smiling I slammed the miniature door shut.

The door to the second floor hallway, like all the other hallway doors was magnetically locked. In annoyance I slid my ID card. Upon hearing the click of the mammoth magnet releasing it's grip on the door, I grabbed the handle and walked through as the door swung passed me. The hall on the second floor always smelled like something had died and today was no exception. Today it reeked of either ranch or feet. Either way a dormitory hallway should never smell like it did. Funny how it always does though.

I reached the outside glass door just in time to gulp a mouthful of fresh fall air. And without looking back I made my way to the cafeteria. My brain drifted to happy thoughts of dried apricots, split pears in light syrup, and fresh baked macadamia white chocolate cookies, but when I got there all that was available were the salad and pasta bars. I reluctantly slinked over to the salad bar and filled a sterefome bowl with baby carrots that appeared greyish and then gave the cashier my ID to deduct a dollar stinkin' eighty seven. Even more lame then no mail.

In no time at all I was back at my desk guzzling the remainder of this mornings carton of orange juice. I had consumed the majority of carrots on the walk back. I looked at the computer screen contemplating my impending doom. My research paper. So many more pages to go in so little time to write them in. And running on 9 hours of sleep for 56 hours of day hurts. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped during my nap today. I was practically in a coma. All of yesterday afternoon spent on four pages of text and today another afternoon to evening will be spent, bent over experiment articles and underlining and typing. The weight of everything else that also needs to be completed crushes my shoulders and a heart sinking feeling grows a pit in my core. And without thinking I grab my bible off of my bunk bed.

"I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name i will hope, for your name is good." ~ Psalms 52:8+9.

I set aside the book and look at my research paper with a sigh. It's just as long as it was before i read the verses.

"I think I can do this, God." I reach up and grab the research articles off of the highest level of the bookshelf. "If you help me, I can do this."

Back to the Grind? Why not stick a wrench in that gear?

2009-10-27T04:35:00.000-07:00

We're back from break. Or perhaps you were not able to enjoy the "luxerious" three days that were midterm break. But all the same this post can yet still apply to you. But some back story about break. I went back packing in Southern Georgia. It was great! but I'll fill you in on that in the next post mayhaps.

Like I was saying before, we're back and school is up and running again. I saw my midterm grades on Sunday night and I was surprised to see that I still have a fighting chance. But going through classes yesterday were a bit discouraging to my "I CAN!" attitude. I want to remind you that if you feel the way I do, you shouldn't let the discouragement of being overwhelmed with school work or life keep you down. God didn't give us a spirit of fear. He gave us the "go get 'em" attitude. (I'm paraphrasing like a ton on that last bit, but I can't come up with the exact location in scripture that it says that, but I assure you that, that's what it essentially says.)

So even though I'm afraid that RDS I and ECON are going to kick my rear right out of college I need to keep truckin'. And despite the fact that I am so overly behind in the project/paper that will make or break my grade I shouldn't be afraid to face it. Lots of times we would simply give up because we got so far behind on something. Now is the time to get caught up. It's okay to start RIGHT NOW. Okay, it's not okay that you left your project sitting there while you said "I'll do it tomorrow," but you have TODAY! There's nothing like the present. Really! Get excited about feeling accomplished over work well done and work that you put in all your effort into making good. Get started today on that silly report that won't write itself or that outline that you'll need before the first draft, or start studying for that test that you think is going to kill you next week. And once you're in that mind set make some changes.

-Clean your room. Nothing inhibits a healthy, not-overwhelmed mind like a messy floor, cluttered desk, and heaping pile of dishes winking from the sink.

-Stay on top of your work. Now that you're doing something about all the stuff that's killing you, don't lag behind just because you're not caught up completely. Just stick with it whether you're caught up or not.

-Take breaks. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed with school or life. Now and again, get outside, even in the rain, and just breathe.

-SLEEP!! Gah, it can't be said enough! "I'm a college student and college students never get sleep." BS, guys! That's Bologna!! We CAN get sleep. Get to bed by 10:30pm. and then make a habit of it. Do you want to feel good and not be sick? Then do it!! Don't ask questions. Don't second guess. JUST DO IT!!

-Be positive. If you keep telling yourself you're gonna suck, well, you probably will suck. Try to leave negative comments or opinions about schoolwork, classes, your boss, and even the cafe food, out of your head and vocabulary.

-Pray! Not many of you feel inclined to do this, but it's a detoxifying stress reliever. Pray in your head, aloud, writing it down. Whatever it takes to get it out there. You can be as honest with God as you want. He doesn't judge.

-Exercise. You should exercise every day that you ingest food..........Yeah. Most of us can barely swing a day or two of exercise much less everyday. Solution? Make a point to get up and be active at least 3 times a week. Stop whatever you're doing and get up and go for it. And don't be cheap about it. Get out there and work vigorously. Get your heart rate up. The endorphins will feel good after the fact. Believe me. And don't do something hard that you hate. Find something you actually like. That should be a no brainer.

-Be social. Be around people. Don't live in the library or even your room, so much. Get out and talk or see others. Even if that means just going to the cafe and sitting alone. We're social beings. If we're deprived of people too long we'll wilt. Just being around people is healthy and can bring up your spirits.

-Eat right. Guys, the stuff that we put in our body sometimes is down right crap. There are so many processed food options out there with sugary, corn starchy, fatty promises of love handles, decayed teeth, and the loss of proper appetite.

Those carbonated soft drinks are Killers! They eat away at the heart and will rot the teeth right out of your head! Oh and for the ones who think they're somewhat exempt from the sad truth because they count calories you should know that the aspartame that is used to sweeten those sugar/calorie free drinks turns into formaldehyde inside of you!! Yes, the same formaldehyde used on dead bodies. YUM! You don't have to go through a huge diet change just yet, but try to be more aware of what you fuel your body with. Caffeine is a biggie. Do you know that one apple can wake you up as much as one cup of coffee? Don't believe me? Try it for yourself. Guys caffeine is not your friend. All it wants to do is speed up your heart unnaturally and give you the false idea that you're awake until you crash or refuel with another fix. DON'T DO IT! Eat lots of green leafy vegetables. Guzzle water over Gatorade. Indulge in wheat pasta! Think. Really think about 20 years from now when you're friggen hip gives and you're like "shoulda drank less soda." Or you have a blasted heart attack and all you can think is "Shoulda exercised more so my heart didn't freakin' fail on me." Let's not have shoulda, coulda, wouldas, yeah?

We have the power now to be proactive about our lives. Why not do it. Let's live life to the fullest right now. Today. Start with the small things. Improve your ways slowly but surely.....but not too slow. And if you're think, "Nah, i don't want to do that junk." Fine. Try this "junk" for 2 weeks and if you don't feel better by the end then.....I'm a monkey's uncle.

I suppose most of this is a reiteration for myself. But, why not share the wealth of such knowledge?

Sleeping Through the Day

2009-09-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

Random stuff.

It's all of a sudden colder now. Literally, a couple of days after the calendar read "Autumn Begins" Mother nature was like "Uhp, time to turn the dial down looowww!" This morning it was about 52*F. And right now it's about 70*F, so it's warmed up a tad I guess.

It was pasta day again. (I HATE pasta Wed./Thurs. So dumb.) So I got a ladle of white sauce and a ladle of the red and 5 bread rolls and a serving of broccoli. Guess how I feel now? Not so good.

Took a 12 min power nap.

My RDS I test totally BEASTED me. I used up every last second of the 2 hours. That is correct. 2 whole hours to take that test and I still managed to use every last bit of time allotted. I'm pretty sure my hair was disheveled when I left. But overall I have to say that I think I did alright.

Last night I went rock climbing on Goliath Wall with the "Granite Girls" outdoor "small groups" group. Basically it's just for girls (hence the group name) and it's a way for girls to meet up and have a close knit group while getting to know God better in the outdoors. (After all, nature is the biggest testament to God's character.) So it was my first time climbing outdoors before. Really fun but really scary at the same time. No a big fan of falling to my death. (who knows about those ropes. No just kidding. They were strong enough. (obviously.)) So that was a great time. But I got all sorts of scrapes and cuts on my legs and elbows alike. And there was a condition that if any guys wanted to climb they had to wear sports bras. So two guys showed up and the leaders made them take off their shirts to prove their mammery cladness and they took a picture of them. Ahhh. Funny stuff. So that was altogether a good time.

I am super tired. I NEED TO SLEEP!! Sadly there is still work to be done. *sigh*

Oh and finally, Dog problems have subsided for the time being. Dog problems=Boy stress. So yeah. It's a nice feeling. But I'm going somewhere tomorrow where I'll be in close contact with this particular person. So hopefully my hormones will stay on this mini-vacation they're on and not check back in too early. That'd be bad news bears for me.

I think it's stress!!

2009-09-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well I have no time to be writing this, but under the pretense that I may go insane and fail right out of college I had better. For sanity's sake anyway.

Alright, let's make this quick.

Hmmm....I've been stressin' stressin' lately. For some reason school work this year is like WHAM-O! Punch you in the face. So I've been running tons lately to cope. I'd have to say that running is God's High when you're low. Love it! And my research design and statistics (RDS I) class is kicking my butt. It's like this gigantic tidal wave of stess and worry and time constraint related issues. Don't even wanna get into it right now though. I guess it's something about this year that's really taking a toll on everyone. Swine Flu.

Facebook=My current Vice. ---> However, "Facebook doesn't own me" =My lastest mantra. Conclusion---> Vice+mantra= balance and neutrality between the forces of the cyberworld and time management.

I listened to "The Shins" the other day and now I'm hooked. I've heard the shins in the past, but this time 'round I really heard them. They're so melodic. You know when you find really good music that just plays on your veins and in your blood? (I hope that makes sense.) Well 'tis the case with "The Shins." Their sound is like no other. (That should be a genre, yeah? Like no other, cause there are many of those.) So yeah, check 'em out.

Okay, really big annoyance to mention. BOYS!!! They've done it again!! So my latest social stressor is a guy. I know what you're thinking. You're saying "why are you letting a silly male counterpart take such a large role in the play that is your life?" My answer to that is "Because they can! Sometimes guys have such control on your feelings it's pure insanity." I don't know how but those darn boys, they getcha every time! And the thing about it is HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT I DIE INWARDLY WHENEVER I SEE HIM!!! GAAHH! Ha ha ha. I know, I know. Melodrama. But I only feel that way because I'm trying with all of my being NOT to have this juvenile "crush" on him. (Gah! I sound like I'm in high school.)((No, no. I shouldn't reduce the validity of my feelings to juvenile or lame. After all it's how I feel, right? That's valid.)) Is that not completely frustrating? So basically I'm saying that I have the problem. haha. How twisted is that? I won't get into the details of it, but I'll just say that it's really hard to deal with life as it is, but then add testosterone to the mix and forget it!

Oh and surfing! What fun! It was really great to learn to do the sport, (for the little that I know now), and to meet some really cool people. So glad Southern upgraded their outdoor activities awareness-ness. SOAP's the best. (Remeber that aconym, I'll most likely use it in the future.)

I realize that this is kind of a crap blog but I had to be "quick." I promise I'll be around later with something slightly more engaging.

Catch you at the next profound thoughtful triumph or the next mental breakdown. (Which ever one comes first.)

Done.

The little blue planet of insignificance

2009-09-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

I went caving yesterday with my friends Christina, Angela, Ashlee, Aric the one guy we went with. This picture (we didn't take it. We have the world wide web to thank.) basically sums up what it was like. Dark, cold, and muddy for sure. Oh and really really slippery. No bats thank goodness. I enjoyed it minus the part where I had to use this stupid rope that had like 3 knots on it and no tension and I had to use my knees to get across. My knees didn't appreciate the abuse. And we had to creep on our stomachs a lot. And there were a few times when we had to do something kind of difficult to avoid falling into pools of cave water. Like the rope thing or crossing this path over water that was about 2 1/2 feet deep. Gah! I almost fell in it, too! Scary, not to mention slippery as heck. It was all pretty fun. The only part was actually really scary was having to slide down this really narrow part of the cave and right next to you was a hole in the ground that just kinda kept going. And Aric had to hold our hands as we went down, but even still, I was so sure I was going to fall into the dark abyss of the cave. That had to be the scariest part for me. Otherwise it wasn't that scary at all unless you're claustrophobic.

(Again you can thank the internet for this picture.)

So if you ever get the chance try caving out. It might not be your thing, but at least you'll be able to say you've done it.

Yesterday in church Pastor Nixon, gave a illistration via slides about how tiny and insignificant earth really is. First he showed a picture of earth in comparison to venus and pluto, etc and earth was the biggest.

Then he showed a picture of earth in comparison to Jupiter and Saturn. And earth was like nothing.

Then we saw the picture of the planets in comparison to the sun. Earth's a dot!

Then the sun compared to other stars.

And here you can see Arcturus' insignificance to Betelgeuse and Antares. Amazing right?! And that's just within our universe!

Now this brings me to my next point. We have the brain capacity to realize just how big God is. It's just that impossible to fathom Him. God/Christ was the main center/creator of all of our universe and beyond to other universes and planets, etc. He had, every living thing that existed praising Him and loving Him. Then Satan tried to screw things up. He tried to gain the same authority and power as God, but not the same love. He turned some of the angels to his side and made them all discontent with their positions in Heaven. So logically God gave them the boot. They were "hurled" to earth where Satan did the same thing to the first people. (Adam and Eve.) God could've destroyed the first two people. And totally had reason to destroy Satan, but He wanted to show everyone that He was a God of love and that living outside of His law was not what was best for anyone. But if He just zapped away all the bad stuff no one would understand that fact and they would say that God was this big evil malicious creator. So He let sin take it's course on earth. He allowed Satin to do his thing. But God wasn't going to let people go just like that. He needed to save people from sin's grip. From Satin's claws and the only way to do that was to take everyones sins and pretend like they were His sins and die for them. If not every person would have to die for his or her own sin. (And if that were the case we'd all be dead like a thousand times over.) But because His love is so big, beyond any form of measurement, He came to planet earth. A nothing planet, full of anything and everything foul and corrupt to die for ME! And for YOU! That means that everyone gets the chance to say "Thanks a bundle God for taking the wrap for me. I accept the fact that you did that on my behalf." Voila! Just like that, there's a place for you in Heaven. Simple right?!

God made it too easy! Like do you see how nothing we are. Our planet is nothing, and we're people on that nothing planet! God could have and should have crisped us out of the picture, but because of His huge, no GIGANTIC love he died the death he did even though He himself did nothing wrong. He took the wrap for my errors and my continuous downfalls and mistakes, even though I should be the one to die for it. Gosh, I can't even take how amazing God IS! So awesome!

Tanked and Talentless

2009-08-25T12:41:00.001-07:00

Mood: Mopey-ish. (Pathetic I know.)

My mood is partially attributed to the lack of current on-campus activities. The freshmen are having a field day meeting and greeting and going through orientation things. I however, have cooped myself up in my room for the past three days. LAME. I was so desperate yesterday I even started reading the first chapter of Cog. Psych. Bleh. If I know one things for sure, this year is going to be haaaarrrrdddd.

Okay, current conundrum. Oh but first the wicked awesome thing that I'm super excited about. SOAP southern is having another SURF TRIP! And I'm so going this time. The only issue is the fact that I am the student leader of the 'feeding the homeless every third sabbath of the month' group and the surf trip happens to be on the first feeding of the homeless. Plus I'll be missing the second feeding of the homeless because choir will be on tour. I know it sounds terrible, but I CAN FEED THE HOMELESS ANYTIME! How often do you get to surf, rent equipment, get free lessons. All amounting to $70. INCLUDING TRANSPORTATION! AHHHH! Can you tell I'm super excited!!! I can't wait. So yeah. I think I'll go feed the homeless on another sabbath so I can just get a feel for it.

Okay so I've been thinking. I feel like I don't have a talent. I know that everyone has a talent according to the bible, but I feel like my talent is MIA or something. Like, here's the thing. I used to play the piano and I quit and I wanted to take it up again, but it didn't work out in lessons last year. And I've played the flute for basically 9 years and last year I couldn't fit anything flute related into my schedule, but this year I'm thinking of taking lessons for flute, but I don't know how that'll all play out since I stink at motivating myself to get to the practice rooms all the way across campus. I've played soccer like all my life and if you watch me on the field I don't have "mad skills" or anything going really with that. But I still enjoy them all. So I feel like I've tanked it kind of with all of those things. And those are the things that usually people are like 'wow talent'.

But then I think about the other things I love to do. I love to write. I write a lot of stuff in my free time and I suppose I've been writing forever. Or at least the earliest recorded piece of work I've dug up, I was about 7 years old. And even though I suck at grammar rules I Love Love Love to write. And then there's acting. I've always Loved acting. I've been in theatre productions for as long as I can remember and now in college I've entered the world of film and IT IS AMAZING! I never knew all of the amounts of work that goes into getting only one scene! It's mind boggling. Acting isn't even like work to me. It's just another way of story telling. I love that! Knowing that I'm telling a story that no one has ever heard of. And then there's reading, Love to read. Always have. And you want to know the funny thing? In all honesty I truly didn't not know that not everyone loves to read as much as I do. I thought it was normal to always have your nose in a book or constantly be adding to a collection or keeping up with a series. Can you believe that some people don't like to read AT ALL?!! GAH! They're missin' out. And then there's the band that Luke and I are in. (We're called "Sound like Plan.") I like it because once again it's be sending a message through the stuff I write and deliver my words through the songs and just expressing the way things are in a different sort of medium I suppose. I don't know what direction the bands going in, but maybe this year we'll do one better and get second place at the talent show. (And Luke wants to play at "the warehouse" ((still don't know where that is.)) We'll see.

But reading, and being in a band can hardly be considered a talent, am I right? I don't know.

So I feel like I'm constantly trying to find something I'm good at and make it work as my talent. I guess, that was the story behind learning to hacky sac, learning to ripstick, learning to surf, and do outdoor activities. Something, ANYTHING, to make something my own and master it for once. That's my problem. I've never mastered anything. Like I should be an expert at the flute by now since I played for so long, but I'm not. I should be fluent in spanish after 7 years right? Wrong! I'm not. Gosh, am I defective? (don't answer that.) Everyone else has found their niches......So where does that leave me? Do I drop some and pick up a couple and master them? But those things that I've done my whole life I can't drop because they're, I don't know, part of me? I've dedicated so much time to them to be a FAILURE!! Ugh, the sound of that is sickening.

Well, I'm done. (This isn't a "pity me" or a "fishing for compliments" blog. It was more like a "just had to get this off of my chest" entry.) But if you do have something useful to put in I wouldn't mind. Or if you just comment that's cool too.

Cranky Pants

2009-08-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

I will try to be brief with this topic as it has been exhausted in the past...(Not likely to happen, but I shall try)

Have you ever had one of those days where you're in a cranky sort of humor and everything anyone does sets you into an internal frenzy of back talking, hurtful words, and if the circumstances are appropriate swearing(unintentionally of course since you neverswear.) And occasionally some of your mental mania slips out and you surprise yourself when you hear it aloud.

Well, here's the back story. I've been a-travlin' with my parents and sister since Aug.14th 3:00am. We drove for a mind numbing 21 hours down to Alabama to visit my cousins. Then after a weekend of visiting we headed up to TN, Monday morning, and came to the hotel.

So we've been living in this "room" that comprised of two full, maybe queen sized beds, a window bay seat/bed thing, a television that is almost never off, and a fridge that gets caught on the carpet everytime it's opened.

So I'm stuck in this space, while my parents are here i'm living off campus, and I also have picked up some hours at work which is on campus since I'm within reasonable distance from school. Of course the hours she wants me to come in are from 6:00-8:30 am. (And that's just the summer schedule. Come Aug. 31st I'll be working as early as 5:00am. (I told her I'd try it out for a couple weeks and let her know how I fair. I envision myself quitting those hours, but we'll see.))

Back on topic: With having to working these past few mornings I've decided in order to get to sleep at night I won't nap so that I'll be tired enough by nightfall. The only downside to that is that I've been SUPER cranky. And instead of this being one of those days, it's been one of those weeks!

I'm just going to flat out say it. MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS PISSING ME OFF!! This is the kind of upset that is irritating and annoying to no end. And the members of the Barnicle-Head party can't seem to stop making your day a living hell. And there's no way to escape. I'M STUCK HERE WITH THEM UNTIL THEY LEAVE ON SATURDAY. Rip out my hair why don't yah! I've got to stay in this blasted hotel room with them, I've got to drive in the flipping car with them every where and I've got to take them through every bloody attraction on the surface of Chattanooga. (Or at least it feels that way.)

I want to be more grateful about the fact that they're here and that my parents are doing a lot for me so that i'll be ready when school starts up again. But loving a person is hard.

Well I could go on and on about how angry I am and how i've decided to stop responding to them in general. (I'm waiting until it's time to got to sleep, which will be early tonight, so I can't talk with them as little as possible and vice versa.) But here's the thought that annoys me even more. Gah, it's the whole being like Jesus bit. I know full well that I'm not exempt from the Barnicle-Head party. I'm positive that I annoy my family with loads of things I do. I'm actually aware of about 85% of them. The issue is I can't seem to catch myself. I know I'm doing it, but it slips out of my mouth before I have a chance to recognize it. That annoys me because I know that God would appreciate it if I tried harder to be more aware of the way I respond to my family, but it's like, family knows how to annoy you in different ways than anybody else. And you can actually yell at them or push them and eventually they'll have to still semi-love you because you're family. And that was the part that I've already thoroughly dissected before so I won't get into it for the umpteenth time.

And here we go AGAIN! Annoyance quotient= MAX

GAHHHH!! EVERYBODY STOP TALKING!!

The First Day of school: # 15

2009-08-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

It is about to be the first day of school for me. # 15. And I'm nervous. Can you guys even remember the last time you were nervous for the first day of school?

Well I suppose I'm most nervous because 1. I'm away from home, which has never been a problem, but now factor number 2. There are a lot of people not coming back to Southern, so the whole deal with all of this changing business kind of makes me uneasy. I know change should be good, but I guess I'm afraid that the things that made me love school so much (the people perhaps) will all be absent this coming year. And I suppose that that's not exactly true since there were many other things that made me love school so much, but I can't help the thought that a part of me is linked to a lot of those people that are not coming back. There are for sure at least two people that I know that their absence will really make life a lot different for me this coming year. GAHH! What's a girl to do?!

Needless to say I'm excited to go back, but I'm really going to have to be more open minded as far as making new friends. I don't know. I think the best thing to do is remember Phillipians 4:6+7. No need to be worried right? Can do. Isn't it nice to not have to worry about things that cause the most worry.

God's a good thing.

Just the weird stuff

2009-08-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

Reviewing these videos makes me realize how much of a confounded mess this whole blog kinda is. (A little rushy) I'll blame it on being ill. Oh well. Just another day in my life.

Ouchie Ouchie

2009-08-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling. That terrible feeling like someone has pushed you to the ground and than taken a large yellow Tonka dump truck and repeatedly bashed it into your poor vulnerable body. (Yes a tonka dump truck. Forget a hum drum baseball bat.) Well anyways, you know that feeling that is a fever. Gosh it's the worst feeling. And the thought of what a fever is is just weird. Your body as taken matters into it's own hands and It's heating you up so much so that it can literally cook the bacteria out of you with the extreme heat. GAH!

So last night was a dousey. We have no nighttime meds at my house and all the nighttime stuff was expired so I took a few echinacea caplets. I felt like I belonged in the looney bin. I think that I was insanely tired, but everything was just so hilarious. I was a sight to see. So I went to get and grossly blew up snot and downed water all night. Wasn't fun. I woke up to see the half box of tissues that i'd used all over the floor. Can you say Nasty!

I was totally drained when I got up. I didn't feel like eating. The only thing I had was a couple of glasses of orange juice, a handful of animal crackers that I had to force myself to swallow and two more echinacea capsules. YUM! And then from there back to sleep I went. In fact besides the few times woke up to get some more OJ, I basically slept most of the morning. My body was like "I aint havin' this! Get back in bed fooh!" So I had to submit. But with a little lunch in my gullet I have slightly more energy even though that Invisible person and the Tonka truck occasionally smacks me over the head. I'm more or less awake.

My lymphocytes are working overtime though. (The things in your neck that get all full and sensitive. We call them glands but take Anatomy and you'll know that they're actually part of the lymphatic system) Whatever. So now I'm going to indulge in yet another mug of chocolate silk.

Stinks to be sick.

By the way Pat and Leigh, sorry I had to miss Megamaze. I wicked wanted to go, but obviously dragging me through Megamaze in my current condition would have been stinky.

Oh and Leigh, first I couldn't comment on your blog, now I can't even read it? I think tumbler's racist.......against pescatarians.

For Granted

2009-07-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

I take the car I drive for granted. So a few days ago, in an effort to better appreciate my mom's car I decided to go on a mini excursion/adventure. I decided to walk to the library. The whole round trip was a little over 5 miles. Besides walking to show my appreciation for the car I thought I'd catalog it as my day's exercise and settle that trip to the library that's been nagging at me as the late fines of my movie rentals piled up. So I got my things together. Ipod in my pocket and earbuds at the ready I set out.

Everything went rather swimmingly except for two things. 1. There were two intersections that caused me to have to dodge the cars for my life. 2. The men that insisted on hooting and hollering out their windows at me. You'd be surprised at the number of unwashed miscreant neanderthals that prowl the city streets with nothing better to do than degrade women. I know that's a little severe toward the men, but I mean come on. I don't even live in a bad of a city! Believe me, Leominster straddles the line between town and metropolis. And it wasn't even like I was walking down the street lookin' all cute like some show stopper or anything. I was wearing a tie dye t-shirt, guys basketball shorts, and some reebok sneakers. AND I WAS SWEATING LIKE PIG!! I wasn't a sight for sore eyes, but I sure wasn't a vision of perfection. I wasn't necessarily offended personally as much as I was offended for women in general. Can't men just have a little respect for me as a person?! I mean come on! When I see an attractive man running down the street do I scream out my window at him like an ogling buffoon? Absolutely not! I think the thing is, some men just get a kick out of doing stupid things like honking their horns at poor unsuspecting persons that may be walking the street. Namely women. And I'm sorry to my guy friends who don't fall into that category. For which, I commend you.

Well after walking for what took and hour and 40 minutes round trip and enduring male harassment I finally made it home. And I have to say I had a lot of fun! I even got to see some semi-natural beauties along the way. But mostly got a taste of the city I live in from a more personal perspective. Not to mention I will not forget how nice it is to only take 6 minutes to drive to the library and 6 minutes to drive from the library ever again. I think taking time in life to get to love the simple things like taking a walk in the blazing hot sun, is a good thing and we should do it more often.

Oh and I saw a snake when I crossed a bridge that overlooked the highway. Magnificent.

Wedding Bells?

2009-07-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom in the state of a limbo. I don't know how to feel or what to do. I want to sit around the house and be lazy, but I also want to be productive. Plus my bedroom has been a disaster since like early July and I can't seem to build up enough energy to even want to attempt to clean it up or even keep up the bare minimum. I don't even feel like being nice right now. My mom keeps loitering around my room asking me questions and I just want to snap at her. I know I want to be nice deep down, but I can't muster up the sense enough to be more than civil.

Well there are a bunch of random things I could mention right now, but I'll try to stay focused on what I can think of in this present moment. Which is: I NEED TO GET BACK TO SCHOOL!! I miss Taylor Circle and even my treks up to Summerour. I miss it all!

I feel as if I'm being deprived of something. Like my happiness or something like that. School is now my second home. And I don't care if that sounds like a cliché. I like being with the fam, but really after a while it gets really old being with the people you're forced to love. And I know that sounds completely terrible, but really? It's time to be back with my peers. People my own age that are on the same page as me trying to get their lives together like me. It's rather refreshing. Being home is nice and relatively comfortable, but it's static. I'm in dire need of change right about now.

I just finished reading "I kissed dating goodbye," for the second time. (by now you must have come to realize that I can't get through an entire blog without mentioning a book or eluding to my love affair with reading.) And as I've realized for a second time 'round that the whole book isn't even about dating per say. It's about building up a more Chirst-like attitude and view of life. And it's about getting yourself ready for when that special someone comes around.

A part of me wants to be honest and open and tell you everything on my mind about the dating issue and a part of me wants to keep my mouth shut as to not reveal one of the many secrets that make up Daphne. But alas, I've reconciled to be honest and open something that's really hard for me. Okay sooooo.....

(I'm not going to get overly into details unless you yourself asks me a specific question which I will be more than happy to clarify. DISCLAIMER: My perspective on dating is not meant to be a snobby attempt to think of myself above anyone or to come off as self-righteous and condemning because it's not that at all. It is merely my own personal views on the way I am choosing to do my life.)

Soooo, upon finishing the book I realized how NOT ready I am to be married. Whenever we (myself included) think of marriage, we think of sex and a partner for life. Okay, SWEET! Those are great things, but we forget that marriage isn't constantly rainbows and unicorns and sunshine and freakin' fairy dust

There are so many dynamics to marriage that make it exciting and fun but also work and commitment.

There's no opting for divorce. At least not for me. So picking the guy (or girl) that you'll spend the rest of your life with is and should be considered a REALLY BIG DEAL. I admit that it would be highly satisfying to be in a relationship with an awesome guy that makes me feel good. But until I'm ready to get married I'm not going to test the waters with a bunch of maybes.

Now that brings me to think. I wonder when I'll even be married. In my "life schedule" I presume I'll be getting married at age 27. Yeah that may seem like ancient-cy to some of you, but sheesh I still have lots of things I want to do before I make a commitment to that man that I'll spend my life with. I can still do those things things with my husband but there are still somethings that I'd like to get out of the way before I get tied down. Don't get me wrong. Being this kind of "tied down" is a good thing. But I need to travel and figure me out. I can't tell you who I am if I don't know it yet. Do you kind of get me? but focusing back to what I was saying before.

So I'm not into testing the water with a bunch of cool guys that would just be possibilities. Basically what I'm saying is I won't pursue a relationship until I'm ready to tie the knot and I know that I can make a commitment to the person. Call me old fashioned or even archaic, but there are many more things that I need to get straight before I jump into anything. Right now I'm trying not to view my singleness as a pitfall or a bad thing. Being single is a great thing. No, not because I can go around dating random people, but because I can use this time to better serve God and fall more in love with him. I know this may sound odd to some of you, but when I find that guy, he's going to need to be more in love with Jesus than he is with me. If you're pursuing a relationship with Jesus, you'll understand what I mean when I say that and if that's not your particular cup 'o' tea well I have to say you're missing out. I'm using my time as a single not to sit around waiting for that guy, I'm using it to make a better woman of myself so that i can better please my husband when the time comes. (Gosh this is really hard to write when you know it's all going to be read by the public. Come on people, I'm baring my soul here.) Believe me. I am not for one second going to be some sappy stay at home mom that cooks and cleans and picks the kids up from school and takes them to karate. *shivers* For those of you who want to be a homemaker, more power to yuh. It's a real job, just not the job for me. But what kind of man wants to be disrespected by his wife? What kind of man wants a wife that believes in frivolous spending and things of that nature? Or on the other side of things How girls, would you feel about your husband if he hadn't mastered his wandering eyes and that he could be secretly lusting after other women in his heart? Wouldn't you feel a bit put out? I sure would. You married me, not every hot thing with high heels and a miniskirt. Do you think that these things just dissipate overtime? NO! You have to start taking care of those things now because when marriage rolls around if you haven't already dealt with those issues they're not just going to cease to exist in a marital relationship. There are many other vices that I could mention that can be mastered during this time of singleness. I won't lie and tell you that I've overcome all of my own flaws (we'll always have some flaws) and that I'm miss dandy doodle perfect, or that it's at all easy to be single all the time when there are pressures all around telling me that I'm not whole if I'm not in a relationship, or that I'm not happy without a guy latched onto my arm, but I'm sure as heck working on it.

You may be thinking "Well I can work on all of those things while I'm in a relationship." Well, okay, fine, that's your thing, not mine. Again I'm not going to get into it with every person that has a bone to pick with my logic. And Like I said before I'm not condemning anyone in a relationship, this is just what I've chosen to do for me. And you better believe that I have the utmost faith in my decision and in God who is directing all of this an making it work out for me. Just like you have faith that whatever you've chosen will work for you.

Alright, I could go on and on about more stuff related to this topic, but I'll leave you here so you can ponder what I've said for yourself. I don't expect everyone to agree with the route I've taken, that would be unrealistic of me, but at least now you know that there is more than one way to go about relationships.

Eau du Toilette

2009-07-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

This is in two parts. Not because I wanted it that way, but because I didn't really have a choice if I wanted to upload this blog.

To the Crazy Kids that make my day on a regular

2009-07-15T17:45:00.000-07:00

Among the many people I have become aquainted with over the past year, many are associated with something in the art dept. Many of which crack me up and keep me on my toes. They're witty and enjoy playful banter which is okay by me. Any who, these videos that I'm posting are made by a few of those crazy kids from school.

This first video stars David Tilstra-film, and The Matt Disbro-anamation, and some of the other guys involved in joking around.

You Should'a Said Hi from ChriZZZ Emerson on Vimeo.

This Next one stars once again the Dis, but it also stars Christopher Emerson-film.

Butter? from ChriZZZ Emerson on Vimeo.

This next video was made before I knew Jeremy Rowland-film(I think) or David Tilstra, but it shows the same humor. It's a spoof on "Messin' with Sasquach."

This last video was produced by Chris. It was a freshman project. It stars Jeremy Rowland.

The Garbage Man from ChriZZZ Emerson on Vimeo.

Funny friends make the world go round.

The Crazy kids list: Just a few of the art dept. people (or the people that associate along with me with the art dept. people) that make me smile.

Christopher Emerson The Matt Disbro Austin McAllister David Tilstra Jeremy Rowland Justin Peter Heather Dappalonia Sahale Jenson Stephen Majors Hanna Melara Alexis Boddy Luke Simons Hilary Prandl Lechelle Tyler Quiring Andrew Aldrige

And soooo many more of you guys. All of which have made me laugh at some point or another.

Thanks y'all! You're too great.

Staying Motivated

2009-07-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

It took me 3 hours to finally get out of bed after my alarm clock went off. Motivation level: Zero.

I got dressed and went running in the blazing hot sun by noon. Motivation level: Half.

Completed two fifths of my A&P take home test. Motivation level: 3/4.

Decided last night that I was going to treat my temple better. Eating more balanced-ly, getting ample fresh air, not rotting into a couch potato, and letting Love fill my cup everyday. Motivation level: Exceedingly high.

Motivation.

It's strange. You need it to get you through the day. Through simple and complex tasks alike. You depend on it. Without it we would probably stop right in our tracks and discontinue whatever it is that we were up to. Not all motivation is plesantly positive. Por ejemplo, having to finish that take home test for my class was not fun whatsoever. The only reason I even got as far as I did was because I understand the repercussions it will have on my final grade and the thought of being a slacker, makes me cringe. Whatever it is that motivates us or acts as an incentive for those really hard tasks in life or whatever it is that gets us through the day without allowing us to spiral into fits of depression. I'm thankful for them.

Naturally, motivation is flighty. It comes and goes as it pleases. I do believe that motivation has a secret vendetta against us all. Indirectly of course. See, motivation is best friends with idleness. And when motivation needs a break, it calls idleness as a stand in. This gives ways to the sordid existence that we are prone to fall into as humans, which is why when we get a hold of motivation, we have to hold onto it. Don't let it's flitting limbs slip away. When motivation is coupled with endurance we can accomplish soooo much. We just have to stay motivated. Don't loose sight of the finished product that lies ahead. We can do it!

My ultimate motivator? Love.

This is a test

2009-07-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah I got Video blogging to work. This rocks except that it takes like ages to upload one measly video and do the whole process.

SHE NEVER APOLOGIZES!!

2009-07-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

ENRAGED!

Right now I am fighting, with all of my will power, not to wring my kid sister's neck. Not even kidding, I could fight her to the point of injury in the current anger that's boiling up in my inward cavities. I swear there must be angels or something that are keeping me in my seat and keeping my mouth shut or else I really think I would inflict bodily harm on her. Can you tell that my blood boils with the heat of a thousand suns?

So I had my class today. It was dull as usual. We sat in lecture for an hour, which was better than the usual two hours or so. Then we dissected a cat. Yup! A cat. We looked at the arteries and veins which is the most tedious work to find and identify EVER! So after that I was exhausted and ready to head home.

Issue: I didn't have the car because it's in the shop for the day. So I was relying on rides. Which I have to stay stinks as bad as a dirty gym sock soaked in skunk spray. So I had already told my dad that he didn't have to worry about picking me up, because my friend that lives in the area would come and get me. Well, long story short I waited for 3 HOURS after my class ended to be picked up all the while suffering from the uncertainty of when I would be picked up because I wasn't informed about the location of my ride unless I called her. Which was several times. And every time I was ensured that she was in close proximity to pick me up. Well after studying in the Library, going to the school bookstore, walking to the gym, waiting in the rain for an hour, walking back to the library, and FINALLY GETTING PICKED UP you can imagine the kind of negative energy I was building up inside myself. But of course me being me I acted like I was okay with the fact that she was 3 hours late. Plus when I saw how sorry she was and that it wasn't even really her fault for being late I felt kind of sorry.....but not that sorry.

So I got home and tried my best to keep my cool. So I was in kitchen doing my own thing and my little sister was doing her own thing. So I decided to comment on the fact that the people in my house (which implies her and my mom) don't ever pick up the phone. (Mainly implying her.) So she starts going off that she always picks up the phone. So we get into it and my blood is already boiling and to add salt to the wound I already have a problem with the way my little sister has been acting lately. So hearing her talk in itself is setting me over the edge. AHHH, I was about to look her square in the eye, walk right up to her, and rip out her hair. But for some strange and unbeknown reason to me. I didn't. I even began talking to her in a reasonably calm tone. (even though I was still infuriated.) And I let it go. I sat down to start blogging and she had the nerve to turn the light of on me. I called her a few horrible names (in my head.) but for some strange reason, let it go. So I'm concluding that God has something to do with all of it. I've been praying for patience. Maybe this summer is a series of tests. Gosh I hate tests! >: /

And I've been reading "Screwtape Letters" by Clive Staples Lewis. Who most of you know as C.S. Lewis. Brief synopsis: It's about a mentor named Screwtape "a demon" that sends letters of advice to his apprentice Wormwood "a temptor in training" about how to make humans fall into the grasps of Satan. So I've been reading it and it's been making feel as if the stuff I do is really just another way for the Devil to get me or something. I don't even know how to explain it. I think that's part of the reason I've allowed my anger not to get the best of me. It's a good book so far though. You should check it out.

And the other thing that is really annoying me is the fact that when you take on Christ there are new standards you decide to live by because it is what God asks of you. Never before has the concept of love your enemies ever hurt so badly. Maybe I've never actually been able to love my enemies, but just always thought I was loving them, which is why it hurts so bad. Or maybe this is a worse enemy because it's family. Whatever the case my little sister is my enemy right now. I don't want to talk to her, be around her, deal with her, I can't even look at her. And all I want to do is hate her with a burning hate and be evil right back to her. (I know, I know, it sounds terrible.) But then I think about the new standards I've promised Christ I'd live by and think "Well Jesus wouldn't hate my sister even if she treated Him the way she treats our family. He would love her and still be loving to her even though she never apologizes for the way she treats our family." And I suppose that's what kills me the most. The fact that I have to love her even still.

The rest of this summer is going to take some serious prayer power. This whole event just overpowered all the other random and good stuff that's happened in the last few days, but I guess i'll update later. Ugh.

Rain, Rain, Go away. AND NEVER COME BACK!!

2009-07-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Another day that feels like it flew by semi-wasted. Facebook continues to consume my waking hours and the television is beginning to wain on me. I'm loosing the will power to resist. Ugh.

So i'm trying this new concept in hopes to grow my spiritual life and reclaim my summer holiday aspirations. Besides trying to refrain from TV and Facebook as musch as possible, I'm going to try to give up movies for a while. At least the questionable ones. (And books for that matter.)

Oh I forgot to mention, I think. Well, I finished that short story from before. It turned out pretty okay-ly. I have an idea for another one. I was inspired after caring for a sickly friend in the last 24 hours. I'm not sure where it's going yet but i'm sure something will come of it all.

Today is generally sullen. Perhaps it's the excessive rain but something has really just pounded the life out of me so tht I can barely finish this installment of my blog. I don't have the stamina to keep going, so I think i'll call it a night.

Time to raid the kitchen. (So much effort needed.)

oh and we got cable...Ugh

2009-06-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've been drowning myself in Fleet Foxes. (Courtesy of the Library.) You should check them out. They're really something.

Well, yesterday was fun. My good friend and I drove to our other friend's house. We made dinner (stuffed portabella mushrooms, and this fun protein filled rice.(The three vegetarians.)) Then we ate on the patio and while the sun was still out we sat in the her driveway and just chit chatted. Then we went in and watched Charlie Barlet. It was all together, fun.

So I've picked up Pendragon. (I don't know if I'd already mentioned that. Probably so.) (Good Choice too.) I read for 8 consecutive hours on Monday. I'm not sure I even got up to use the Lou. I was just so wrapped up in it. Twas good fun.

So I was kind of stressed today. After my class, I had to go to the laundromat to wash these two heaping loads, then I had to buy my dad's father's day gift and bring my little sister to the next town over to meet up with her friends. So when I got back I sat in front of my computer and watched "Alfie". (the Jude Law version.) But not before I forced myself to take a nap to fight off a growing headache without meds. It was like 8:45 pm and I was like "Can't deal with this weird inward stress that i've got." I didn't even know why I felt stressed, so I went running. I think it was more like pent up energy than stress. So now after a shower and an iced tea, I feel great. Why don't I do it more often, again?

Oh and We got cable! It's been like 2 years since I've lived my life without television. And I like it that way. I like being able to say "I don't watch TV." (Of course I've got other vices to deal with. Like movies and to much internet use.) But even though I missed getting the discovery channel or the travel channel and even though now I can watch soccer matches on ESPN, I don't like the idea of having cable at my disposal. I don't want the option to watch it. I know I'll end up reading less and doing less of what I wanted my summer to be made up of. And it's true that days that seem bleak otherwise may be brought up with a little TV, but I don't trust myself not to let it consume me.

Conclusion: I will avoid the TV like the plague.......Okay, maybe not completely cause I still need to catch up on soccer, but I need to find a way to minimize it like almost as if it's doesn't exist. We'll see.

Talking to a wall

2009-06-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

Parents make me want to rip out my hair sometimes!! I take that back. Let me rephrase. My parents make me want to rip out my hair all the time! Whenever I talk to my dad it's like I'm talking to a brick WALL, for pete's sake!

(So was last night when I wrote this)

I came down to do our traditional snooze session of family worship. (Which by the way, it shouldn't be a sleep session except for the fact that my dad likes to draw things out so that they get all dried up and stale and then he sprinkles it with a few bible verses and dubs it family worship.) So I decided that for the 50 zillionth time I was going to tell him that I find the family worship completely unbearable. (This happens about every year at least once, I'd say, where everyone concludes that worship is way off color and that it needs some flavor and things look up for about a week or two until things go back to a bland shade of spiritual beige.) I had a bit of a second wind since last week's sermon I went to was about family worship and how to do it right. So I pulled from that a little.

So I tell him about what the pastors wife talked about at the church I went to that past week and how teen family worship should be promoting individual worship. I tell him that having family worship over 15 minutes during the week is kind of taxing on me since I have like no attention span for it when he does worship and that when he prays it's like he's doing the prayer that he should be doing in individual worship and not in our family time. "You're to long winded!" I plead with him. So he goes into this rant about coming together as a family and how it's a time to meet with God, etc, etc. "I agree with you!" I say holding my hands out. "But I don't think there's a need to force a long stiff worship if I'm going to be bored out of my gourd the whole time!" "Well you don't contribute anything when you come to worship with us!" He says matter of factly. I take a moment to think this through. Admittedly, I most usually don't contribute to any discussions or readings. "You're right! I don't say much when I come to pray. I could improve in that area, but in all honesty, I'm not overly compelled to show up in the first place, much less participate!" I slump back into the couch. Now my little sister goes into a tirade about this that and the other. She's making valid points but my dad keeps cutting her off to interject questions so she's yelling telling him to let her finish. And of course he's not, so she's getting frustrated. I just tuck my face into my hands. I keep thinking how we could've just continued in our boring little lives if I had just not said anything to begin with. Blasted Me! After lots of words have been said and there seems to be a momentary verbal cease fire, my dad says in a normal indoor voice, "So basically we just won't have family worship anymore." I roll my eyes, "That's not what I said! Did I say that?! I didn't say that!" He deflects my question with more nonsense words."So we'll have worship for 5 minutes then." He says. I let me head fall backwards onto the couch cusion. "Gosh, You're such a drama queen! I didn't say we shouldn't have family worship!"

So after going in circles for what seemed like ages, I decided to give up. It seemed futile. I was getting nowhere. It was like talking to a brick wall. Everything I said was getting deflected back to me and not soaked up. I don't think that that is the way God intended it to be. I don't buy the lie that says kids and parents always have to disagree and argue resulting in kids and parents rarely talking about anything besides money needs, etc. True it may be the norm, but if I myself at least, is going to start growing up on a spiritual level and live with my parents in a way that would please God, I'm going to have to figure out a way to deal with my parents as thick as they can be. (And I'm almost positive I can be just as thick.)

And I've read somewhere (no doubt from my bevy of books) that if a guy wants to know how a girl will treat him after he's married her, he should look at the way she treats her dad. And I've also read that the majority of men would chose woman's respect over being loved by her. (And vice versa for women.) That's HUGE! I really don't want my husband to feel like I disrespect him because that would be the equivalent of me not feeling loved. I want a happy marriage. I'm bent on that!

And to be honest my relationship with my dad is kind of.......hmmm......stiff. I don't tell him a lot of stuff. Actually I rarely say I love you or give him hugs. But I vow that this summer I'm going to work on it cause it's important. And I need to be able to do these things with my family before I can go out and do them to the world around me, right? Right.

After that whole business was concluded and we actually did end up having family worship, my little sister stomped off in a huff and I took a minute to tell my dad that I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and that obviously he's been doing something right since I'm in the church on my own convictions, etc. Then I gave him a hug and even said I love you. And man was it hard to show him that I could be soft. (Daphne not soft? I'm sure that's what you're thinking, but with my family I tend to not always be as gentle and soft spoken and shy as I may come off to everybody else. I mean heck i've lived with them my whole life. Family is supposed to know the bad and the ugly and accept you all the same.) So then I came up here and voila! Story time.

I guess I've got a lot to work on this summer. This is going to be hard. I can feel it. I think I need to spend more time with God too. He's a good helper and friend and He gets me.

Okay, I'm through.

Summer Rut Syndrome and Forgetting

2009-06-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today was very blah. I'm pretty sure i have nothing to show for my day besides the fact that I went to my summer class. It was and still is boiling in my room. Every now and again I open or shut the window for air circulation purposes. I sat around and watched the time waste away in front of my computer screen because of movies and facebook. (Man I absolutely hate when that happens.) And took a long nap that I thought would relieve me but I woke up more groggy and lousy than before. I ate like the whole day, too. I snacked on everything, whether I was hungry or not. (I hate that almost as much as a day wasted in front of facebook.) I wish i could bring myself to go running. I know that would make me feel really good. It's been like a week and a half since i've been semi-motivated to run. I tried to get my hands on a new issue of Runner's World, but that turned into 5 DVD's from the Library. And to top it off, my little sister is upset with me because I won't let her upload Sim's 2 on my lap top. Man could anything be more trivial? She claims i'm being selfish. What a Jerk! I think to myself, "I let her borrow what ever she wants of mine whenever she wants. I drive her everywhere!" The fact that she said that just annoyed me, a lot. I want to not talk to her, but at the same time I want to be nice to prove to her that I do always give her the stuff she asks for. But she doesn't see the nice things, just the negative stuff. I guess it's a "what would Jesus do?" type thing. Except I don't really want to be the nice guy, again. Ugh.

Okay, on another note. I'm trying to forget a couple of individuals that I can't seem to get out of my head. Ruben* and Lennik.* Okay, back story. I knew these guys through school. I worked on a project with Lennik during this past school year which is how I met him. I didn't really know what to think of him at first, but he turned out to be okay. I mostly saw him when we were working on things related to the project and then other times when he'd be passing through campus or performing with a group of his friends in a band. Side note: What i've come to realize is that these two guys are older than me, they're both friends of each other and have mutual friends together, and they both have qualities and personalities that I would love to have in my friends. I made lots of other friends through the work I did with Lennik and it opened some friendships with people who had similar interests with me. But I never set myself up for great friendships with these people because I almost always get let down. And I suppose it's slightly a lack of confidence in them or maybe in myself. So as expected, when our short time working on this project was over, I pretty much never saw Lennik. And some other people from that group that helped out. I mean I did make an effort when I saw them, but it's hard when you don't take classes with them because you're one major and the whole lot of them are of another.

Okay so enters Ruben. Still the back story, now. Ruben is this very nice (and quite attractive) guy that I met when I was doing some, "Let's save the world!" shopping/donating. So I talked to him a few times. He was cool and very nice. Once again older than me, as in he's graduating or graduated, but'll be back for one more semester to finish off a couple of dangling classes. Anyways, I got to talking to him a tiny bit. He even got interested in this thing that my friend Duke and I do for fun and decided to join us next semester.

Anyways, fast forward to now. I have Lennik's blog web address that I don't follow, but check occasionally and through him I found Ruben's as well. Now any normal person would say, "Who cares. You can do whatever you want." Heck even, "Why don't you just follow their blogs. What's the big deal." The big deal is these guys are out of reach like many of the people they're friends with. I admit, I'm a bit jealous of the kinds of friends they all are and the people they hang out with because those are the exact people that I would love to be around and make friends with, but because their friendships have already been established I'd be an intruder and that's tough when you know that's the truth. And I do have kind of a group like them with my film friends. They're like the equivalent only closer in age with me, but it's like, even with them, i don't know if the want for friendship is always mutual. And it's especially hard since I don't see them often except for meals, which is a very unstable occurance at best. They have time to build their friendships in ways that i can't be a part of because of our different aspiration of degree's.

And right now I'm reaching a point and I'm realizing that I need stable friendships in my life. Friendships that are not just easily broken or "whatever" friendships. I need actual friendships that are growing. One's that'll last. This isn't middle school where you make friends to get you through the years and then when you move on you forget they existed. Or aquaintences that you say hello to everyday that you rarely meet up with. No. I need more than that. Yes I have found that in a few people at school that I know our friendship is growing, but they don't share all the same interests as me. I need those people to.

So the reason I need to forget them, which is why I started on this whole drawn our shpeel, is because I need to not think about this friendship that I can't nor will have with Ruben, Lennik, or any of their friends. It's just not gonna happen. And I'm willing to face the facts, but I can't if I hold on to this fantasy hope that I keep building upon when I read their blogs and catch up on their lives and see their cool videos. I need to let it go.

Okay, I'm going to stop now because I'm going to into "whiney baby"/"poor me" mode and I can't stand whiney babies.

But I'll bet that everything, like many things I say, came out like a big mess of confusion. Oh well. My "allergies" seem to be "acting up". I think I'll take a Benedryl and call it a night.

Okay, I'm done.

*I don't know who may read these posts, but I want to keep come things confidential, so false names it is.

Annoyed by sex

2009-06-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

My brain has been overflowing with thoughts since last night.

Rewind to last night. I'm meeting up with old friends. (Like middle school old.) We go see a movie and then afterwards we go and indulge in Panera awesomeness. So we get to talking and of course we talking about schools and what everyone's up to, etc, etc, so of course we hear about each other's party/social lives. (obviously minus me.) So i'm listening intently. And I find out that my friends actually have very colorful social lives. They all have sex and they all, just live their lives like normal. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not naive about young people today. I know what people do and that's their business, but when it's my friends it feels different. Mind you, they're not the only ones. Loads of my peers are having sex and it's normal for them. Okay fine, not necessarily my cup of tea, but it's their lives. I'm religiously biased so i guess that's why I feel weird about it. I'm not even sure i know how i feel about any of it. Besides the fact that They all looked great and it was nice to see them again. I think I'm more dumb founded than anything. It's like the idea of your parents having sleeping together. You know it happens but you don't want to think about it. Okay, new topic.

No! You know what?! I do know why it kind of through me. It's because I've realized that all of my old friends and I live totally different lifestyles and they're in the majority. It's tough when you're in the minority and your stance is not the popular one. (And yes for the record I do believe in having sex only after my married. Call me what you'd like.) Alright, moving on.

So through my mental frenzy last night I got an idea for new short story. (As far as shorts stories, my brain has been missing in action.) But I think it's ready to work again. I also think I'm going to catch up in the Pendragon Series again. Heck, why not? I think part of the reason is because I just bought my little sister the first three books from "The Twilight Saga." I shudder as I say it. Well actually I was buying for my mother to be given to my kid sister as a graduation gift. But i figured, She's going to start reading the series and that'll be fun for her, and me being a bookworm, i remember when I was all into my book series and that was good fun for me. (corny? I'm aware.) but like i said before, why not?

I finished that beanie I was working on, yeah.

Oh gosh, there's like a million other things I could say right now but I have to go because it's actually the little rascal's graduation tonight. (from the 8th grade.)

Okay, I'm done.

What's the deal with Twilight?

2009-06-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

Well i'm out of my summer rut. (For now.)

Hmmm, let us see. Well, i don't really have anything profound to say, sooooo. Well I've started making a new beanie. (thought i'd catch up since my other ones have disappeared and there's a waiting list accumulating of people who want knitted/crocheted things from me, so I thought i'd indulge a little on myself first. greedy me. oh well.)

Okay so now that i'm thinking of it, what's the deal with twilight? (and the other books.) No I have not read the books or seen the movie. Nor do i plan on seeing it. I don't really know how i feel about them. I have mixed emotions about reading it. or seeing the movie. It's like a Fad now. What may have been a really good book and even movie has been overly commercialized, like many things on this planet, like an over played song on the radio, so much to the point where I'm not overly remorseful over not involving myself in any of it. I think it's kind of a tragedy when something is blown up so much that it's only a fad. Lame.

I used to keep up with D.J. MacHale's Pendragon Series. (I stopped keeping up a while ago, but maybe I'll jump in again this summer. Who knows.) I loved that series. I was even in contact with D.J. on multiple occasions. He's a producer and has made it clear that someday when the series is over with he'd like to turn the books into films. Okay, yeah, I admit that'd be semi cool, but the thing is, I would hate it if my favorite characters became a fad. I know it's probably inevitable when things become so popular, but it's like where were all these fans before the movie. They're all a bunch of wannabe fans that jumped on the band wagon later in the game when the product had already been played up to the max. Yeah that's harsh but I think it's way cooler to be in the book store and happen to stumble upon a treasure of a book or hear about it from a friend that had stumbled upon it who's told you how great it was instead of the popular culture feeding you what's "fun and trendy."

BraZil

2009-06-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yay! New Blog, up and running.

Okay so let's back track.

BraZil:

Well, there is a ton i could say about that so I'll try to mention only the things that are most important. So firstly, It was a pretty decent trip because I went without any expectations and a "Let's get this over with attitude." (I know, not the most positive.) But yeah twas fun, for what it was. During the first 4 days we were on the bus for about 54 hours or so. Not straight, but in like 20 hour increments. (Between getting lost and just driving in inclement weather.) So equally sucky, especially when the group as a whole feels like they've gone mad and when you haven't been fed dinner, nor will you. After the first week it was pretty much smooth sailing. Or smooth bus driving. (So that was in São Paulo.) While there we also went to this water fall park called Iguaçu falls. It was beautiful of course. To much so to be able to fully describe it here. (so i wont.)

Okay then to Rio de Jiniero we went. Side note, if you've ever seen "City of God", which i don't recommend to any person, you'd know that the film is based off of events that occur in Rio. So you'd understand when i said that I was scared out of my wits to be in the city. We stayed at this crappy hotel called 'Royaly Copacabana Hotel.' It was probably royality in the 70's but it was just rubbish for nowadays standards, but we dealt with it accordingly and it was fine in the end.

While we were there we picked up like a few words. Obrigata(o)=thank you, Bon dia=good morning, Boa Tarti=good afternoon, Boa Noite=Good night, Con liçensa/shcupa=excuse me, Prazer en conoçieron(I think) =nice to meet you, Reals=BraZillian currency, etc. So we basically used and reused those words hardcore. I was sick of saying thank you by day 6.

Okay so we went to the copacabana beach and where we swam the waves were about 6 ft high. CRAZY! It was awesome! I tried to body surf, with little success. It was only scary a couple of times when i got sucked into the ocean by the rip tide and was too far out to get help. I kept thinking to myself "Oh God. Oh God, please please please don't let me die out here." As a wave crashed over my head for the 3rd time. Besides that, when I was finally back in safer water levels and panting like a dog on the shore line, all was good.

I was very happy to have a few things when i got back to the US, however. 1. Toilets that can handle flushing toilet paper. That's right, in most if not all of south america the toilets don't flush toilet paper well. 2. Fresher air. The people in BraZil SMOKE LIKE CHIMNEY'S!! And the exhaust is no better. 3. I'm back in a country where i can speak English or Spanish, and most everyone with understand me. Portuguese is a very hard language to understand and speak, but Kudos to those who can handle it. I'm not one of those people.

Okay so on the flight home I sat next to this guy, older gentleman, about 40's i'd say. And for the first hour or so i talked to him about general things like what he was doing in braZil and where he was from, laddie dah, laddie dah, and then same with me. He asked my why i was done there, etc. Then I had had my book out and he started asking me about it, so i told him the book i was reading was Christian Fiction. So that led to a new conversation on religion, which was exciting and scary at the same time because he was really interested in my take on religion. But the thing was, he was like kinda stuck on trying to i guess make me agree with his reasoning that Jesus' life was romanticised and that religion and i guess God are a product of a really clever group of people that thought it up to create order in society. Basically his thought was that i wouldn't be able to fully experience life and all life has to offer because i'd be biased by my religion and that i'd filter everything through my religious scope. (gosh there's just to much to be able to write it all done.) Of course i told him that that is not what i believed. We talked for a very extensive time about it. As we were deboarding the plane, he told me to read this book called "the secret" and then gave me his business card and told me to give him a call when i'd read it.

Fast Forward 6 days and i'm on my bed reading "the secret." (I prayed before i began reading.) So basically the secret is the law of attraction. That's it. The law of attraction says people are like radio towers and they emit a frequency. That frequency is your thoughts. When you emit a frequency you have to receive a frequency. So basically the more you think about something the more it will happen. So your thoughts become reality. So if you think wealth, you will always get wealth. You emit your frequency into the universe and the universe's law of attraction will attract like responses based on what you thought. It's not as complicated as I'm making it sound, but yeah. So after getting a little creeped out from reading this new age-y creepiness, i prayed again, of course, and decided that i'd shoot the guy an e-mail. We'll see where that goes. (I hope he's not a serial killer. That would really suck.) ((I get paranoid quite often.))

Okay i'm done.

Making sense of this life....*sigh*....

Senior Year Blog

Am I The Rich Young Ruler?

A Song And A Move

Yeah, that's a knee slapper. . .Not!

Like A Dope

Nerd of the Year!

Blah Blah Blah. So Much Talk. Where Is My Life Going.

Climbing Mt. Watatic

Was That My Life?!

Le Bearded Man!

JARZ: All Together Happy

I've Got Confidence in Sunshine!

Dog Days

What If We Never Saw Flowers Because We Complained Every Time It Rained.

Embracing Melancholy

A Really Deep Hole

What It Means To Live Another Day

This is a Dream Sequence

My Embarrassing Life

Sufjan Stevens

Getting Back Into Spiritual Shape

What if you could meet every person in the world?

My Knee Caps Bring all the Boys to the Yard

Pirsig, among other things. . .

Mushaboom

Maybe That's the Point

Chuck Norris

Tungsten, Cadmium, and the other elements

January in the Airport

The Perfect Kind of Dry

FUN Food

The Time I Decided to Run a Marathon

Catching the Travelers Bug

The Anti Pick Up Line

What's On Your To Do List?

When You're Forced to Face Reality

Going Barefoot Sucks!! And other disconcerting happenstances of April 8th. (2010)

Tunnel Vision

A Miracle.....Please?

You’re Attractive Because…..

QUE FRUSTRACION!!

Real Meals

I Am Not My Own

The Bitter Sweet Balance of being High

But the world spins despite me

Concert Critique

Past the Cloud Cover

Let your love be strong

Which soil are you? The parable of the sower.

No more Patés and french fries.

Boycotting Boys

Building in Progress

Chalk, Stones, and Sweat

Running on 9 hours of sleep for 56 hours of day hurts

Back to the Grind? Why not stick a wrench in that gear?

Sleeping Through the Day

I think it's stress!!

The little blue planet of insignificance

Tanked and Talentless

Cranky Pants

The First Day of school: # 15

Just the weird stuff

Ouchie Ouchie

For Granted

Wedding Bells?

Eau du Toilette

To the Crazy Kids that make my day on a regular

Staying Motivated

This is a test

SHE NEVER APOLOGIZES!!

Rain, Rain, Go away. AND NEVER COME BACK!!

oh and we got cable...Ugh

Talking to a wall

Summer Rut Syndrome and Forgetting

Annoyed by sex

What's the deal with Twilight?

BraZil

Making sense of this life....sigh....